10/21/2004 - 5:57 p.m.

I just got off a call that made me think. A lot. Thinking is bad, but this isn't 'bad thinking' per se. Just some questions running through my mind that I want to try and work out and make sense of the thoughts before I lose them, so just bear with me if this entry makes no sense whatsoever.

Domestic Violence or Spouse Abuse~physically or emotionally harmful acts between husbands and wives or between other individuals in intimate relationships.

Forms~Abuse between intimate partners can take many forms. It may include emotional or verbal abuse, denial of access to resources or money, restraint of normal activities or freedom (including isolation from friends and family), sexual coercion or assault, threats to kill or to harm, and physical intimidation or attacks.

Special Thanks to MSN Encarta Online for the definitions.

While my stupid ex was not as bad as some of the horror stories I have read, I have seriously started to doubt whether or not the things he did *which I italicized* would fall under the category of "Domestic Violence".

He never hit my face, he never slapped me...he was more of a scratcher, grabber, hair puller and biter not to mention very intimidating and loud and liked to call names etc.

Those who have seen his pic, are probably wondering...how did I allow this to happen? He's small, wiry and well...looks like a pansy.

Quite honestly, I don't have an answer for you. It amazes me that I'm quite honestly...scared of men though...yeah, I've been around them as far as being in intimate situations etc since IB left...but it's always there in the back of my mind. I will look in their eyes searching for some shadow of what I used to know and unfortunately be used to. Sometimes....I think I find it...I could be wrong though...

As C. was stating the other night when we were on the phone "I would NEVER hit you"...I just stared at the ceiling and muttered "Yeah, where have I heard THAT one before?" All these declarations of 'treating me right' are lost upon mine ears though. You* can say it til you're blue in the face, and I'll never believe it.

*"You" as it is stated here, is a generalization and is NOT directed at anyone in particular.

I think that's when he came back with the "jaded" comment. I'm not sure though actually...I don't remember.

But back to my main thought. If the scars have faded, and no one SAW what happened between myself and IB...does that mean that...it DIDN'T really happen? No, I know it happened. But am I trivializing it? Or would others? Should I just have kept my mouth shut, like I had intended to do all along? Or was I right in bringing that part of my life out for public display? Does my speaking out about this affect anyone BUT me, Will my words have meaning to anyone else? I don't make a good role model though, I PUT UP WITH IT. I REFUSED TO LEAVE! I LET HIM GET AWAY WITH IT!

This just brings me to another thought...as you know I do NOT care for IB's new girlfriend,boinkbuddy or whatever she is. A certain Alanis song comes to mind...only...she's younger than me...but I digress...But, while I do not care for her, personally can't stand her, I have this wish for her:

If he ever lays a hand on you, run, do not hide. Get away from him, call the police. Do not allow him to convince you that they won't do anything because of who his family is. Intimidation is his favorite weapon. Don't be ashamed to let people know what he has done. Do not be stupid like I was. If he lays a hand on you, DO NOT LET HIM GET AWAY WITH IT!

She will never see that^^^^ but it's there...

This concludes this contemplative post from the desk of Miss Maggie...

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