09/10/2005 - 1:04 p.m.

I did put the diary on lockdown for a few hours last night while I debated on whether to erase the last two entries.

I decided to keep them.

By the way, I cut and pasted the previous two entries to an email that I sent to my mom this morning, not thinking that the links that were in there would show up, but they did. I don't know if she'll click on them and find her way over here, but just in case...

*waves*

Hi mom, welcome to my life.

You know, I was full of The_Venom�� yesterday afternoon, last night and well into this morning. But the venom has given away to something more now.

Resignation.

Resignation of the fact that nothing ever changes, no matter how well you trick yourself into thinking that it has. You still end up being the same worthless useless loser plodding along these streets called life hoping for a miracle of some sort to help you feel, if only for a moment, that maybe you were wrong. Only finding that you've been right all along.

After realizing late last year that I had become what I despised and had started to become what everyone(my ex husband, ex friends, their mothers etc) thought of me, I set goals to change myself and my outlook.

I started trying to become more positive. I quit drinking. I quit sleeping around. I quit allowing myself to be used as the neighborhood doorknob. I quit allowing people to walk all over me. I started losing weight. I started becoming more sociable. I started taking better care of myself (ie: stopping drinking,losing weight etc)

I started reading, researching. I felt myself becoming more...well...normal. Deciding that the human race possibly wasn't as bad as I thought it was.

But reality has a way of rearing it's ugly head, and I came to the stark realization at about 930 this morning that there was no point to it. Things that I did prior to my turning over a new leaf still have a habit of coming back and being thrown in my face, even by those who weren't involved in my life at the time that these things happened! So what's the point of 'changing' when it's just going to be used against me anyway?

Should I just go back to my old habits? I really don't want to. I LIKE my life...or LIKED it anyway. Maybe I still do. I actually couldn't tell you at this point. I could flippantly throw out the phrase "and I don't care", but the truth of the matter is I DO care. I guess maybe that's part of my problem. I care too much. And by caring TOO much, I allow myself to be taken advantage of and hurt and feeling walked on etc.

Maybe THAT'S what hurts the most.

I've spent the greatest portion of the last 2 going on 3 years...NOT caring, that when I finally allow myself to do so, I just end up hurt and retreating back into where I was before I gave a damn.

In the same respect, my 'not giving a damn' has caused me to hurt a lot of people. Mainly my family. And I'm sorry. I got so wrapped up in my own self destruction that I didn't stop to think about how it could have affected THEM.

I still haven't forgiven myself for that.

That will come with time though I suppose. But on the same page though I'm tired of feeling that things that I've done in my past are used against me by those that don't know the full story. And no, I'm not talking about just David here either.

I guess I'll save that for another entry though, which I'll write after this one.

I have a lot on my mind and I guess I need to get it out lest it eats me from the inside out.

But again, have all of my changes been for naught?

I think the answer in this case...

is a...

qualified...

Yes.

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