09/10/2005 - 3:22 p.m.

As I mentioned, things in my past have a tendency to keep coming back and haunting me for whatever reason. I get accused of things that haven't happened because of things in my past. It really pisses me off when it's done by people*people is a generalization and does not implicate anyone specific. who

A:Weren't involved in my life at the time

and B:Don't know the full story.

But I'm going to make this easy for you. Consider this the "Confessions" entry. Uncensored and Uncut. Want to use it against me? Be my guest, you wouldn't be the first.

First off:

I used to be a very heavy drinker. Yes I am an alcoholic. I drank a lot and I drank often and I made mistakes because of my constant inebriated state. I never drove and I never slept with anyone as a result of my drinking though. However I had many drunken phone calls and IM conversations with people and probably said things that I would never say had I been sober. Am I proud of this? No. Should I have known better? Yes. Have I done this since I quit drinking? No. When was the last time I got drunk and had my strange conversations with strangers? February 6th 2005. That was the last time. When did I quit drinking for good? March 23 2005.

Infidelity-

I have been in 2 long term relationships in my life time. In both relationships I have been accused of cheating.

In terms of my marriage, I was accused of adultery starting from the day that my ex husband left.

However, I had not strayed from my marriage bed in the entire time that we lived together. But...for the last year and a half of my marriage, I was in love with someone else. I said nothing though. Not to the person I was in love with. Or to my husband. I took my vows seriously even though I did not WANT to be married to him and quite honestly NEVER wanted to be married to him. But I loved him, in my own way but it was not romantic love, nor had it ever been I don't think. Maybe in the beginning...*shrugs*

But in the end, I spent months being accused of sleeping around even though I wasn't, that in a moment of sheer stupidity, I met someone online...

and did just that.

So, did I cheat on my husband? That's debatable. We were separated and living in separate states and in the process of divorcing. Was it still considered adultery? For all intents and purposes. Yes.

Yes. I. Did. Commit. Adultery.

It's not something I'm proud of. It's not something I should have done. But I did it. I am the one who has to live with that guilt though. And I do. Even now, although it's been over 2 years since this occurred, I am still berated over this.

Have I cheated on anyone in a relationship since?

NO.

Would I?

NO.

Have I been cheated on though?

Possibly.

Did this set up a pattern that repeated itself no less than 3 times in 2004?

Yes.

Has this been held against me?

Yes.

Yes, I slept around a bit last year. 3 different people. 4 if you count the fact that I slept with my ex husband as well. 2 of those people were within 24 hours of each other. The other two were within 2 weeks of each other.

Seehere and hereDoes this make me a slut, a tramp, a floozy, a whore?

It's a matter of opinion really.

Has THAT been held over my head as well?

Yes.

Have I done it since?

No.

Will I do it again?

NO.

Do I have an answer as to WHY I did it? Not really. I was searching for something to fill the emptiness that I was feeling inside. But it didn't work. I only ended up feeling MORE empty. And more used.

USE ME PLEASE. It's evidently all I'm good for it seems. Maybe because of what I've done, I DESERVE it.

Maybe, just MAYBE even though I've changed...Maybe I still deserve it. Is that fair though? To have things in my past 'used' because of someone ELSE'S insecurities?

No.

But it happens...and HAS happened.

So what should I do? Issue an apology for what I've done?

Fine, I'm sorry.

Did I use this diary to get back at my exhusband for the way he treated me while we were married?

Yes, that's obvious. ANYONE who has a connection in my life gets mentioned, but ONLY my ex is the one that I targeted for...'exposure'. I used this diary to get back at him and I used it well. But I quit. There was no point.

Did I bait my ex into PhoneBoink, to prove to his current girlfriend that he hadn't changed?

Yes.

Have I done it since?

No.

Will I?

NO.

Moving right along...

I have Bipolar Disorder. Does this mean that my life is sometimes chaotic? Maybe more so than the normal person perhaps. Can I deal with it? Yes. Do I have it held against me? Sometimes. Should it be? Of course not, I recognize the signs of when 'something' is about to happen and can USUALLY take steps to avoid a full fledged meltdown. I do amazingly well to control my impulses and urges and somewhat control my depressions as well. Those are harder to control obviously. But I try my best.

My house tends to be a disaster at times. Has this been an issue?

Yes. I keep house cleaner when I have someone to clean for though or someone who is living there shares in the duties as opposed to one person doing it ALL my themselves. But yes, my house is messy. But has been much messier.

What else is there? Oh yes, I'm a cutter. I cut myself in times of stress. All you have to do is look at my arms and my left ankle. Is it something I'm proud of? Fuck no. But I do it. I haven't since June though. I can thank Dr Fite for that. Do I want to now? Yes. I have for weeks now. But I don't.

I'm fat. I used to make myself throw up to lose weight, most notably the summer between my freshman and sophomore year in high school. I've done it in recent years as well, even as recently as this year.

When I get extremely depressed I start hearing and seeing thing and become suicidal. To the point where I've had my goodbye's written out and the pills counted. I have had my meds hidden from me because of it.

And there you have it...

The Sins of Miss Maggie.

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