02/05/2006 - 10:38 a.m.

Tis time for a change. A big change at that. We've started with the fingernails since I got those done last night (and they're a color I like to call "Whore Red"). This week I'm getting contact lenses, and just for shits and giggles I may even color my hair since it's got quite a few silver(not gray, not white mind you...silver) strands in it. Then we'll work on the clothes...and the body...mostly the body...since that's the part of myself I hate the most.

Do you ever feel threatened by nothing more than illusions and fantasies? Or at least what are percieved to be illusions and fantasies? I do, I have...I am...I think anyway...

Darlin', fantasies are a part of life. They're a way to blow off steam. It's just harmless fun. Hell c'mon YOU have fantasies too! Who are you to feel threatened? Better yet, WHY do you feel 'threatened'?

Why?? WHY??!!? I'll tell you why! Because I feel like I'm being C-O-M-P-A-R-E-D, THAT'S why.

Pfft, give me a break already. The media's image of beauty is a crock of shit and you know it. Do you know how many dollars companies blow into airbrushing those photos, trust me sweetheart...what you see and what everyone else sees ISN'T real, not by a long shot.

Oh yeah? Then why do I feel like I have to meet that so-called unreal standard? Why have I made myself sick in the past trying to obtain that standard? Why do I feel like that's what I have to do NOW to reach that standard? You wanna know why? Because that's what people WANT and EXPECT and God help you if you don't meet it.

Oh My God...you actually believe that?

Well...um yeah. I mean c'mon. The fear of being compared to these other women physically is enough to make me want to start puking again.

Not a good idea. Remember what happened because you did that. See the enamel on your teeth? Remember how sick you got AFTER you quit doing it? Remember how even though you got thin you gained it all back and then some? Why do you think it's so hard to lose now?

Ok, you have a point, but it worked though didn't it? Ok, ok so I felt like shit, I looked like shit but at least I was skinny. But I gotta do something!

Besides, you HAVE lost weight. Remember? You lost 40 pounds last year.

Yeah because I quit DRINKING!

Yeah, see! That was HEALTHY. And it took you a year to lose it. None of that 20 pounds in a month shit. You took your time, took it slow and you looked great. You still do actually...

Bullshit. I feel like a fat unattractive blimp. And if I don't do something then I'm afraid that David will just dump me for one of those 'pretty' girls. Because I'm soooooo not one of them...

Now, I'M calling bullshit. One: You two have had that discussion before. He loves YOU regardless. He met you at your fattest and he STILL loves you. He's proud of you that you lost the weight that you have so far and he'll STILL love you if you lose more or not at all. You KNOW that. And Two: If he didn't find you pretty and attractive do you HONESTLY think you two would be celebrating your one year anniversary of being together tomorrow?

But what about what he said in November? That bit about me being fat and ugly etc...

I should just smack you upside the head now and be done with it. He was TRYING to piss you off. He even admits that was what he was trying to do. You two have had THAT discussion before too...

True...but it still rankles me to a bit...

Look, point is, you shouldn't feel threatened and you shouldn't resort to desperate measures. Don't change who you are to try to meet some illusion that doesn't exist here in reality. If you want to 'update' yourself that's great, go for it, but be reasonable. Take the contacts for instance, you've been wanting those for years..and the nails. You LIKE having nails because they make your hands look prettier and your fingers not look so short. As for clothes, you look good in jeans and skirts, but you need new ones since hello...you've lost weight! They're all too big now!

Hmm...maybe...

Hmm...I feel a smidgeon better after that...(it only took me an hour or more to write out since I'm multitasking) Anywho...