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Update of Large Proportions

03/22/2006 - 4:54 a.m.

Ok, here's the skinny. I've terribly neglected this blog in recent days. I've been keeping it on MySpace. So, what I'm going to do is repost all of those blog entries over here for your reading pleasure.

You'll also notice that I removed the tagboard. It was causing my browser to crash. Hopefully I'll have a new comment board up soon

3/10/06
Damn-

this having a conscience thing. Try as I might I can't bring myself to stoop to the same level.

You know, it's weird though. When my ex husband pulled similar shit I had no problems dealing out retribution in spades.I elevated it to an artform. Hell just look at my Diaryland Journal. But this is different. It's not about 'getting even' because, as odd as it sounds...I think I believe him.

However, what I'm having trouble reconciling is how can someone say they love you, want to be with you, ask you to marry them,and say they're 'not going anywhere' turn around and do something like that personal ad?

The ad itself isn't the source of my disdain though. It's the fact that if it was just for 'researching purposes'(long story) why the hell use your REAL information and picture? But oddly enough I can even explain that away...

As for him moving out, after today I can see why. So yes, I do understand, and there's no pretending to it. I almost went out and kicked the neighbors ass just on principle. They ARE fucking loud as fuck.

As for my parting statement of 'what's good for the gander is good for the goose'...

No it's not. Not in the long run.


3/13/06

It's Monday???


It's Monday???

When did THAT happen??

Last time I looked it was Saturday...I SWEAR it was Saturday. I've slept intermittantly in there about 7 hours or so...But DAMN its fucking MONDAY!!!

and I don't fucking caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

Ok, my house is trashed, I look like the walking dead...I still have my make up on from FRIDAY!! Yes I've showered...washed my hair etc...but the make up is still on...

I'm caffinated, nicotined and hopped up on Tylenol.

Yes, I've taken my meds.

BITE ME!!!!!!!!!!

And I've been in all out war with the neighbors all weekend...GOOD TIME...motherfuckers.


3/13/06
KMA MFers


Ok, we've gone beyond melancholy to just plain fucking pissed off and I don't care who fucking knows it. I'm running on pure adrenaline and have been for the past few days now. The rage is getting worse, I'm flying between high as a kite(figuratively) to intense rage. And yes it's due to more than JUST the David situation but don't EVEN get me started on that one...I guess that just goes to show how much he loves me.

Oh please, he doesn't love me, who the fuck am I kidding.


3/14/06
If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that I'd like to do
Is to save every day
Till eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I'd save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go
Through time with

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I've looked around enough to know
That you're the one I want to go
Through time with

And it's true. David IS the one I want to go through time with. We've been through too much to just throw it away. We've gone thru shit in the past year TOGETHER that most people don't go through in a lifetime. And yet, we always manage to come out of it. It's not easy, I know that. It takes work. I know that. And a HELL of a lot of faith.

Not to mention trust.

A LOT of trust.

Even I know that. I've spent the greatest majority of the last 29 years NOT trusting anyone, it got worse thanks to my exhusband and well...David is the first person who has ever TRULY gained my trust, and even though with certain things coming to light, (the personals ad) he truly has NOT given me any reason NOT to trust him.

As for other things in the last week...those are things that we can deal with. The bipolar crap and all that goes with it, we can handle that. I can handle that.

I don't want to lose him :( I love him and yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I couldn't imagine anyone better.

He's good to me. He loves me so he says and he knows what he needs to do in order to get stable. I admire him so much for that. He's not perfect by any means because NO ONE is perfect. But I love him JUST THE WAY HE IS.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I think I'm going to cry.


3/16/06

Whatever


Songs of Life


by Bret Michaels

Now look at you all standing proud
Dressed to kill, talking loud, guitar in your hand
You see sex and violence, love and rage
Still survive in this day and age, and you're sick about that
Go ahead, life's gonna take it so break these chains
Come alive, the worlds your stage

Love and pain and sacrifice,
Flesh and blood all the songs of life
You said I will not go quietly in the night

Now look at you out on the streets
Your mom and dad think you're a freak
Don't understand you
You wear your heart on your sleeve
Seems all the people that you meet they criticize you too
But just stand tall and face the pain
You will not fall for the masquerade.

Love and pain and sacrifice
Flesh and blood all the songs of life
You said I will not go quietly in the night

The losing clowns that try to drag you down but stand there yeah
Your life is getting stranger you know you can't change it
Destiny's a callin' you, nothing you can do

Now look at you all actin' strange
I wonder what the winds of change have done to you
Is it what you did or what you seen or all the things you could not fix
That effected you�

Love and pain and sacrifice,
flesh and blood all the songs of life
You said I will not go quietly in the night

Love and pain and sacrifice,
Flesh and blood all the songs of life
You said I will not go quietly in the night
You got to stand and fight

There's really nothing to talk about right now, other than the score as it stands right now is:

Me---1

Neighbors---0

I went out to the store to get something to drink and when I came back of course they were all out there screaming, fighting, being their usual gangbanger punk wanna be asses.

All of a sudden this guy comes up to them and says that if they don't knock it off someone's gonna call the cops on them(he's in on it too though I later find out) Anywho, so while I'm walking up to the door I'm thinking "you're damn right someone's gonna call the cops....ME"

And I did.

And it's been relatively quiet here ever since.

Oh, and someone(not me) got no less than 3 calls for job offers today. But I digress.

Anywho.

As for me. I'm saving that for my other journal.

Have a good night fuckers.


3/19/06

As I was sitting here today listening to some music and the like, it suddenly dawned on me that save for the cashier at "Gobble Gobble Mart", I have not spoken to another human voice in over a week now.

Granted the phone rings, but if it comes up as a blocked number I refuse to answer. They never leave a voicemail though. No wait, I take that back, one left a vm that sounded like a cat purring or something. That was weird.

In other news of disinterest, people from the past are coming back into my life. It's weird. I got an IM from my Colorado friend Anna the other day. I haven't heard from her in almost three years! Turns out she had another kidlet.

That was mildly depressing to hear for somewhat obvious reasons. But I digress.

I don't think I've slept for more than 4 hours a day for the past few days. I'm getting a little more than just wonked out. I'm starting to see shit out of the corners of my eyes. Nothing discernable mind you, more like shadows. I know nothings there though. Not to mention this constant roaring sound in my head, kinda like a truck or something idling(that's not real either). The second I hear voices though I swear I'm gonna puncture my eardrums or something.

I still haven't found a job (not from a lack of looking though trust me!) which may be the major cause of this recent bout of insomnia. But I'm seriously beginning to hate having this night owl thing going on. NONE of my usual cures seem to be working.

*sigh*

c'est la vie, I suppose.


3/20/06

Yes I know it's Monday.

Yes it's the first day of Spring.

If Spring is the season of birth, then why do I feel like I'm dying?


3/21/06 Something Long and Drawn Out

Well I finally talked to David last night. We had a pretty good conversation that lasted over 3 hours. At first I almost didn't answer the phone because of that whole 'restricted' thing, but curiosity got the better of me.

I did try to answer it with that whole "Enchanted Illusions Phone Fantasy Line" bit, but I just couldn't do it.

Anyway...

Things seem to be going better for him, he appears to be more clear headed and more 'logical thinking' than he has been the past few weeks. During our extensive conversation, I realized exactly WHY I fell in love with him to begin with. And WHY I love him now more than ever. The man that I love is still there, he never left...

But on the same token, it's going to take a lot of work to get things to well...work. Judging by his statements, I think we're both optimistic. We haven't come this far without a reason. We may not know why God brought us together and why He tests us the way that He does, but we always seem to pass the tests with flying colors.

This will hopefully be no different. If it's meant to be, it will be. That's the mantra from now on. And it's been for this long. As I told him, the BP and all that goes along with it...I can handle that.

Now, we wait.

The waiting is the hardest part though. But I can wait as long as it takes for us to get our lives situated so we can move forward together.

If you've ever read the Laurell K Hamilton books(not the Anita Blake series, the Merry Gentry series) there's a statement that Merry makes that if you get too far from Faerie, you fade.(die albeit slowly, you wither). The same could be said for my not having had contact with another human until last night when David called. In a way, I guess I DO need that human contact or I "fade" in a matter of speaking.

Talking to him was like being reawakened after a deep sleep. As the conversation drew on, I felt myself becoming 'stronger' for a lack of a better word. I was able to admit something that I hadn't admitted to another person in the past few weeks...

My compulsion to cut.

That's not generally something I talk about here in my MySpace blog, because I don't want anyone to think that I'm like a total freak or something. Writing about it anonymously on DRS or on DiaryLand is different because you can't put a face to the screen name. But...as part of my recovery process I'm going to put it out there.

But the compulsion is there now. I WANT to. But I don't know WHY. I haven't in months. The scars have started to fade where I have in the past. Well the ones on my ankles have anyway. The ones on my arms...those probably never will...

Anywho...

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