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Update of Large Proportions Part 2

04/02/2006 - 5:52 a.m.

This is the current block of entries from MySpace. They're in reverse order, but you get the gist...


Freaking Out
Current mood: blank


And I'm not exactly sure why. I'm running the whole gamut of emotions right now from elation to anxiety to paranoia to depression and everything in between.

I'm sitting here listening to the Classic Metal Show, but I'm not really hearing it if you know what I mean it's a great show but all I'm hearing is just prattle and it's not really making sense to me. I hear the music...I hear the talking, but none of it is truly comprehending. But in some way it's a thread holding me here in the present.

My poor mind is racing so fast that it's hard to keep up, I think I had myself tricked earlier that I wasn't Bipolar that it was a misdiagnosis because I wanted to join the military. However a dx of BP would fairly effectively keep me out...permanately.

And then that brings me to now. I can't keep living like this. I think I'm going crazy.

I think I already am.

I don't know.


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Friday, March 31, 2006

Not
Current mood: depressed


doing so well you know.

And could someone explain to me WHY there was a note on my door from the Sheriff's Dept telling me that my property is being checked periodically?

WHO is watching me?

WHY are they watching me?

WHAT do they want?

WHERE are they watching me from?

WHEN are they watching me?

Yes, my rent is 2 weeks late, but hello, the landlords office is 2 blocks away and THEY have made no attempt to contact me at all, so wouldn't sending the sheriff after me be a bit overkill?

It's not my mom because if something was up, she'd email me.

On the back of the note was my name and a request to call some officer. Well sorry, that's a bit of an impossibility at the moment. No phone you see.

I feel like I'm on the verge of doing something drastic.

(NO, not THAT)

Just my befuddled mind thinking about packing everything up and seeing what I can find.

Hawaii anyone??

Yeah...

Not doing so well. Haven't cut though, which I guess is a good thing though Lord knows I want to, but something is keeping me from doing it. And I can't sleep. I've taken my unisom, but its not working anymore. Last night it took 5 hours to kick in. And by the time it did I was starting to hear this buzzing noise in my ears and it was like I couldn't breathe. Almost like sleep paralysis.

I can't...oh hell I don't even know what I can or can't do anymore.


Currently listening:
Use Your Illusion 2
By Guns N Roses
Release date: By 17 September, 1991


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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I Just Made One Mistake


...can you take me high enough, it's never over and yesterday's just a memory...

I'll update this later. My brain's all confuddled right now.


Currently listening:
High Enough/Come Again
By Damn Yankees
Release date: By 11 June, 1992


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Monday, March 27, 2006

Running Through the Garden


Until she herself...
Became the deadliest poison
As she grew older
Until she herself
Became just as fatal
As her garden...

So you run toward...
What you know is wrong
But there are too many flowers...
To cut down
With all the love that I have for your life
With all the love that I have for your life

Never did I mean to imprison you
In my garden
Like I am imprisoned
Never did I mean to imprison you
In my garden
Like I am imprisoned

Until she herself
Became the deadliest poison
As she grew older
Until she herself
Became just as fatal
As the garden

So you run toward
What you know is wrong
But there are too many flowers...
To cut down
With all the love that I have for your life
With all the love that I have for your life
Don't trust me...
Never did I mean to imprison you
In my garden
Like I am imprisoned
Never did I mean to imprison you
In my garden
Like I am imprisoned

Never did I mean to imprison you
(running though the garden)
In my garden
(running through the garden)
Straight toward...
(running through the garden)
There are too many flowers to cut down
(brilliant colors)
With all the love that I have for your life...

~Running Through the Garden-Fleetwood Mac

Running. That's what I'm always doing it seems. I'm tired of running. I'm just tired when you get down to it. D says that once I get good and sick and tired of it all I'll get that fire I once had back. I hate to say it, but I think he's wrong. One can only keep getting knocked down and get back up so many times. How many times is enough? One? Two?? Eight? How much is one person supposed to be able to handle?

Don't get me wrong, life can be shitty sometimes, that's just life. But how much shit can one deal with before they just completely crack? I'm already at the cracking point it seems, how much longer?? I'm tired of always reaching the cracking point. I'm just fucking TIRED!!!

When D and I were talking tonight, I told him I wished we had a DeLorean with a 1.1 gigawat flux capacitator. That way I could go back in time to the point where everything started falling apart. I know the exact date.

September 4th 1998. The beginning of the end so to speak. Before that date, I had a job, NO money problems, yeah I was still fucked in the head but,I could have gotten back into school and had my fucking degree by now. But no. I made a mistake that I've paid for it seems nearly everyday since then. Yeah even though the divorce was final almost 2 years ago and I haven't heard hide nor hair from the idiot in almost a year now, the scars still remain. I have forgiven him for all the shit. The abuse etc. But the memories remain, and the residual fallout from all the bullshit that I STILL haven't quite been able to get out from under.

D asked me if I felt that when I was with the idiot that I lost a part of myself because of all the shit that I just haven't gotten back.

Yes.

I lost a part of my identity that I was proud of. My ability to fight, take a stand and not let anyone stand in my way. When I was with the idiot, I lost that part of myself out of fear of retaliation. Now I struggle with that. Take Caremark for example. I let them scare me and because of my inability to stand up and fight for myself and my rights, I ended up losing my job which has led me to my current predictament.

I'm going to contemplate on this some more before I go to bed. I just took a sleepytime pill(I hope I'm not getting addicted to them) and will hopefully wake up around 3. At that time I'm going to go try to sell my old cellphone, some books and apply for a few jobs here in town. Assuming I don't get kicked out of my apartment first I guess.

Currently listening:
Say You Will (Limited Edition)
By Fleetwood Mac
Release date: By 15 April, 2003


4:21 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove



Friday, March 24, 2006

It's A Sucky Day in the Neighborhood...
Current mood: drained


A sucky day in the neighborhood...

Yeah, it was a low blow. We talked things out. We are NOT together...well we are kinda sorta, but not really if that makes sense.(I'll explain in a minute) On the other hand...he DID call me a slut...all based on those pictures I had here and as my yahoo avatar.

For those who saw my pix, I just want to let you know that I had those posted for one reason and one reason only.

I got pissed.

He had planted a seed of doubt in my mind about HIS fidelity and I wanted to turn it around on him and let him know how that felt. Needless to say, I achieved the desired effect a LITTLE too well. I guess I was wrong when I said I couldn't stoop to that level, and yet...I did. Which is why he started calling me a slut and a whore.

I got good and pissed again.

I called him by my ex-husband's name because at that moment he sounded EXACTLY like him. I put up with 5 years of being called a slut,a whore and accused of cheating when I had done none of the above. And I refused to do it again.So I called him "Brian".

Intentionally.

It was a low blow and I figured it would piss him off. And it did. Which started another round of bickering and name calling at each other about various wrongs(real or imagined) one did the other.

The truth of the matter is, I know that he did not cheat on me. Nor did I cheat on him. It has never crossed my mind, nor will it. But that brings me to the next segment.

We've put our relationship on the backburner. We're not together. Obviously we love each other very much but right now with all the personal shit we have going on separately it is NOT feasible for us to continue a relationship in the traditional boyfriend/girlfriend sense. So we're a 'kinda sorta'. I can live with that for however long it takes.

Now, I know that some of you are asking, why the hell would I want to after the shit that was said tonight and in the past? It's simple. Love is stronger than hate and anger. Anger will only take you so far and hate even less. I love him, and I'm willing to tough it out. I'm tired of the bullshit, I'm tired of not being stable mentally as well as situationally. So is he. Those things need to be focused on right now before ANYTHING ELSE. Because we are both in that state, when we try to get together(live together etc) it blows up. If it's meant to be, it'll happen when everything is stable.

In other news, it's still a sucky day in the neighborhood. I can't sleep. I've even taken a sleeping pill and it's not working. I think someone unlocked my door yesterday because I coulda swore I locked the deadbolt before I went to bed. And I KNOW its locked now..so we'll see. My ankles look like raw hamburger meat. I know I shouldn't do such things to myself, but right now it's the only outlet I have. Writing just isn't cutting(no pun intended) it anymore for whatever reason. Tonight, before the IMs, phone calls and such, I was not in a good state of mind. I started thinking about things that I shouldn't. It's still there a little bit. It scares the shit out of me. But maybe after I get some sleep it'll pass completely.

And I'll pray.

He(David) was right you know. I have been trying to carry these burdens by myself. It's time to do the right thing to start getting back on track and turn these over to God, because I can't carry this alone.


Currently listening:
Fast Car
By Tracy Chapman
Release date: By 27 May, 1993


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Thursday, March 23, 2006

Oh no you did NOT
Current mood: aggravated


He did NOT just call me a slut!

Oh and then he dumped me.


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