07/07/2006 - 10:21 a.m.

It's official. Maggie is a Drunken Whore. Well, drunken anyway. Omf'ng... Right now I'm missing blocks of time that I haven't a CLUE as to what happened. I barely remember driving BACK to Clarksville although I know I did otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here typing this...

I went to this club last night that I'd never been to to meet someone...I was nervous so I ended up with 6 drinks before they ever showed up...then when I saw they were there it took another 4 or 5 (in between running to the restroom and squeaking at the attendant "omg he's cute, what do I do??") to get the nerve up to introduce myself.

"Hi, does the name Rhiann ring a bell?"

And then about another 4 drinks after that...this where things get a bit fuzzy for me...I remember walking for what seemed like forever, a car, etc and puking my brains out and puking my brains out somemore somewhere in downtown Nashville and then coming to...I haven't the foggiest as to how much time had elapsed or what exactly happened IN that time, I have some vague memories but I'm not exactly sure...The next thing I know it's 5 minutes to 2am or something like that when I asked someone. And I felt like the biggest ass on the planet.

You see, the person in question is a sweetie and I kinda like him but....ha after this it's probably safe to say he's never gonna speak to me again...for some reason I think I puked on HIM but I'm not sure about that either, maybe I just THINK I did. I know I puked on myself that's for damn sure my hands and hair STILL reek. I got to Clarksville at about 7am after pulling over and napping for about an hour(and late for work no less, but I called and told them I'd been sick all night so they're gonna let me start Monday instead). Somewhere along the way I had to stop and take out my contacts because I couldn't see a damn thing, but my glasses were even worse so I put the contacts back in and got pissed because I couldn't see...so I threw that pair out and am now wearing a fresh pair. NOW I can see.

But yeah, Maggie made an ass of herself (stupid nerves) I've NEVER been that fucking drunk in public before. Nor will I ever be again. It's time to start going back to meetings I suppose. I mean, I go to NY because I was cutting and drinking, stayed on the wagon for 2 months and the first week back here I've been drunk almost every night and making an utter fool of myself.

My name is Maggie, and I am an alcoholic.

I have been for years. There is no 'safe limit' for me. I was probably getting close to having alcohol poisoning which is why I started puking my brains out so badly so I guess that's a good thing that I vomited. But in PUBLIC!!!!!! This isn't like it was at camp many moons ago. I thought I could control it though. For me control will have to be abstinance. I will miss being able to drink though, I like it too much. That's the problem I suppose though. Right?

Ok...should I beat myself up some more about this?

Yes, I think I shall.

Of all the things I've done this week this ranks as the worst...Tuesday was NOTHING compared to this...I mean a fucking COP stopped me as I was walking and asked me where my car was and then tried to call the person I had been with because I had no clue as to where he had gone(this is part of the missing block of time...did he have to leave or did I tell him I'd be fine and to go?) Did anything happen between us during that time that I should know about?(more missing time) I have vague memories like I said, but I"m not sure...

Anyway, I did call and apologize profusely for my behaviour and as I told him, I SWEAR I am NOT normally like that and that me being drunk like that is NOT who I am. If we happen to meet up again, I think it shall have to be in a place where my access to booze is limited or non existent.

I sat on 2nd Ave for a while on a street corner after I made the calls and started singing...I was actually pretty good(I was almost completely sober at this point but still legally drunk...hell I was still legally drunk when I got back to Clarksville!)

THEN some Moroccan dude came up to me thinking I was a hooker (why does this seem to be a recurring theme this week? Shiloh is a hooker...I don't get it...anywho...and he wanted a bj...but after explaining that I wasn't I ended up giving a lesson in the colloquialism of 'no skin off my nose'...BAH

BAH BAH BAH.

Oddly enough, I don't have a hangover...you'd think I would.

And BAH again for good measure. Just shoot me now for being an idiot

And yes, he did take me off his friends list and probably deleted the message I sent him apologizing again.

I have nothing else to do right now and I'm sad so I'm just going to write whatever comes to mind. Such as, my right eye is burning and it's puffy but I don't know why, my feet as so swollen I can't tie my shoes, that's never happened before either. My legs are swollen too.

Is it possible I'm dying? (ok that's a bit melodramatic) My hands are that way too right now. I feel like holy hell warmed over but not hungover.

My eye is still burning.

I sent an email to my mom.

I give up.

Can't do anything right you know.

I screw up everything I touch.

Why do I bother?

Because I'm stubborn.

A stupid, stubborn, short, red headed fat girl

I think I forgot to punctuate there.

I don't care though.

Well, after careful consideration I've decided that I have nothing left to lose anymore concerning the drinking so I may as well just retreat back into it. Self Medication at it's finest. It kept the Bipolar at bay for many years sooo...fuck it all to hell...Just look for me at your local bar...1st stool on the left...and if I fall, leave me be, just make sure I don't gotta pee...

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