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The WeatherPixie

Cumfuzzled

09/11/2006 - 3:27 a.m.

How long I have wanted


This dream to come true

And as it approaches

I can't believe I'm through

I've tried,

Oh, How I've tried for a life,

Yes a life I thought I knew

(Chorus)

Oh it's the price we gotta pay

And all the games we gotta play

Makes me wonder if it's worth it to carry on

'Cause it's a game we gotta lose,

Though it's a life we gotta choose

And the price is our own life until it's done


Time seems to be frozen,

But the mind can be fooled

As the days pass I discover

Destiny just can't be ruled

Hard times, Oh hard times,

For the prize, Yes the prize,

I thought I knew

Oh it's the price we gotta pay

And all the games we gotta play

Makes me wonder if it's worth it to carry on

'Cause it's a game we gotta lose,

Though it's a life we gotta choose

And the price is our own life until it's done

~The Price-Twisted Sister~

Yes, that's the song for the vid I have on my profile. I watched it tonight for the first time in ages...the lyrics kinda speak to me in a sense...

See, here's the deal...for all intents and purposes, I should be dead, six feet under, worm food, pushing up the fuckin daisies and I'm not and I don't understand WHY. Glynn says it's because he wouldn't let me. I asked him why he got to make that decision. He said 'because I'm your friend. I told people that I was the one who had the cops called and they said 'you did?' and I said yes, she may hate me for the rest of her life because of it but at least she'll BE alive to hate me'

I've also been tired as fuck ever since the incident too. I was tired before but now it's just ridiculous. I feel completely utterly and undeniably exhausted all the time. It's getting somewhat better though so that's good.

But at the same time, is the price that I have to pay for this failed attempt having to live with the question of why I'm still here? Is there just something that I'm supposed to finish before I'm allowed to die? Don't get me wrong, in retrospect, I'm GLAD I'm still here. And I'm thankful that I have such good friends who pretty much saved me from myself. But why though?

I suppose it should be one of those things that I shouldn't question, especially since I've decided to look at it as not yet another thing that I fucked up but rather as a second chance to get things in my life right. But still...

I remember a few days before it happened Glynn and I were talking about me having stopped cutting (because of him and his support) and he made the comment that he didn't save my life I did. But now, I guess, for lack of a better term...he DID save my life this time. I also recall a conversation he and I had a few weeks before that where I told him 'don't put me too high on that pedestal because you'll be sorely disappointed when I fall' and he replied that if I fell he'd be there to catch me.

Yeah, I called him a week later and he was so glad to hear from me because he didn't know what had happened afterwards. We talked several times last week. His bday was last week too, he's kinda disheartened about that...I baked him a cake yesterday but haven't been able to get it to him.

As for Steve, I haven't been able to catch up with him since we spent Tuesday 2 weeks ago together. I did see him the other day as my roomie and I were driving down the street. She stopped so I could give him the phone number but I told her that I'd catch up with him later since he was working so he never got the number. And he just moved I think(to another roommates place til November) so I don't know how to catch up with him now...*sighs*

Yea, my love life is cumfuzzling...one minute Glynn is saying one thing *see previous entries about him thinking Steve and I would be a better couple* to him asking if I was still on my birth control so we could have sex....and of course Steve makes my heart race a bit too, although I haven't slept with him...(not that that is a prerequisite for making my heart race*lol*) and then I asked my friend Tony (whom I used to have a thing for but never did anything at all with) out and he said sure "ok if you insist" because I asked him out years ago but he thought I was joking so we never did. And THEN...

When I was talking to Tony on the phone the other night, I mentioned a guy that I'd slept with years ago. It was the first time I'd even THOUGHT about the guy in almost 2 years since after we slept together we quit speaking because he went around saying some shit about me etc etc and I didn't appreciate it...nor did I appreciate the other chick he had a thing for coming after me calling me a slut etc. (all of this occurred online). Two hours after that conversation a ghost of the past showed back up...yup the guy IMed me after almost 2 years. And oddly enough he actually apologized for the shit that happened. With that, I suppose I have forgiven him now since we're now talking again. I jokingly said that I wonder if I mentioned David(psycho boy) or Brian (idiot boy) if they'd appear again too. Someone told me to bite my tongue*lol*.

Anyway. I went to RiverFest last night. I was not impressed especially since it's the first time I ever went. But,I guess you get what you paid for...admission was free today. It got me out of the house though so that was good. But I managed to lose half a pack of smokes there though. Not cool. Ah well, I got another pack.

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