11/17/2006 - 11:16 p.m.

"And the songbirds keep singing like they know the score"

~Songbird~Fleetwood Mac

Well I guess I'm glad someone is keeping score because I haven't the foggiest anymore. I've decided that the best thing to do in this case is to write a letter to Glynn(as phone contact is virtually impossible and I've talked to his roommate more than I have him!) and throw it all out there on the line. I don't have anything to lose at this point(and for the record, the test was NEGATIVE thank God) so the worst that could happen is that he ignores it or just tells me that he doesn't feel the same way. Which will undoubtedly lead to another bout of me feeling like I've been nothing but used, but what else is new? That's the norm around these parts it seems.

Problem with writing the letter it seems though is that I've been staring at the same piece of blank paper for almost a week now and not one word has escaped my pen. This is rather disconcerting to me because as a writer the words should *key word here SHOULD* flow easily to me. I know exactly what I WANT to say, I just can't SAY them. ESPECIALLY without making come across as that it's some morbid 'game' that I have between him and Brian as to who can capture my heart first can have it.

"If I could, baby I'd give you my world, How can I when you won't take it from me?"

~Go Your Own Way~Fleetwood Mac

Mainly because he already HAS it I'm just waiting for him to actually TAKE it. I swear some days I think it'd just be easier if I were a lesbian and say to hell with men. I've got one who wants me(back) more than anything in the world(Brian), and I have one who has evidently decided that I'm not worth the time of day anymore that I pretty much want more than anything in the world(Glynn). Thank God no one else has managed to get tangled in this web that seems to have evolved out of thin air. What is my first ex from Canada going to make a cameo appearance next? (God I hope not, he drove me batty and we only went out for 2 months...dumped me the day before X-Mas 96...was cheating on me with some chick from Toronto!)

I may as well just face it, I'm pretty much destined to be by myself. Not alone mind you, just...by myself. The thing that gets me though is the 'lonliness'. I guess that's what spurned my 'wild child phase' during the summer. I didn't care who I was with because at least it was something to keep me from being lonely. But the cost even then was too much. Turns out I was just lonlier than ever. I guess I still am when you get down to it. You think you've found happiness that you can share WITH someone(Brian, David, Glynn, etc) and you/I let your/my walls down, let them in only to get crushed in the end because they either lie to, use or abuse you, or see you just as another conquest.

"All in all you're just another brick in the wall"

~The Wall pt 2~Pink Floyd

That just tells me that I never should have let my guard down, never broken down some of my walls. I should have just kept them up. I would be miserable yes, but at least I would have been safe. Safe from my emotions, safe from my fears, safe from judgments either brought upon myself BY myself...or others. It's a catch 22 though you see, I let my walls down and I end up miserable or I keep them up and end up miserable. Is there just no happy medium here? Or am I just so terrible that I don't deserve to be anything BUT miserable and alone?

Does it sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself at the moment? Well quite honestly I'd have to say yes. I could have all the things I 'want' but they wouldn't be with the right person. They'd be happy, but I wouldn't be. What kind of a life would that be?

Not much of one I can tell you that.

*Confidential to someone*~Is my life really THAT interesting to you? I guess I should feel flattered that you've taken that much of a concern. Living vicariously anyone???

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