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Reaching Too Far, Stupid Girl

12/04/2006 - 12:08 p.m.

Earlier today I was gabbing with a friend and I made the comment that in 28 days the year would be over and I haven't a thing to show for it. As I was sitting there talking it dawned on me that I obviously reach for things beyond my grasp, things too far for me to have...

AND IT FUCKING SUCKS!!!!

What is it that I have done so wrong that makes everything that I try to reach for just beyond my grasp? I'm not just talking about this year either though. I'm talking about life in general.

I wanted marriage. I got it, but it didn't work out. I almost had it again, but it didn't work out. I'm obviously not MEANT to have it..and yet..I still want it. But why bother? IT WON'T WORK OUT.

I wanted love. I thought I had it, but it was a lie. I thought I had it again, but it was just ANOTHER lie...I give and gave and it was all thrown back in my face. I make the mistake of letting my walls down again and look what it got me...someone who's seen fit to FUCKING AVOID ME FOR TWO FUCKING MONTHS. So why bother to give? IT WON'T WORK OUT.

I wanted children. I tried for what was it FIVE YEARS with my exhusband and..IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. I accidentally end up pregnant with David and instead of being happy I was made to feel(unintentionally perhaps, I don't know) ASHAMED for it happenning. Instead of being allowed to grieve when I miscarried I was made to feel like it was STUPID to be upset. Yeah? WELL FUCK YOU! I DID tell you ONE lie...

I WAS NOT glad I miscarried. I only said it because that's what you WANTED to hear so FUCK YOU! (confidential to someone:if he knocks you up watch out, he'll a:accuse you of cheating on him(but he already knows you ARE cheating on him so that's a moot point) or b:if you miscarry offer you a PUPPY to replace it.)

Yes I want children more than anything in the world but you know what? I give up that dream because it's STUPID and guess what? IT WOULDN'T WORK OUT.

Stupid Girl, always reaching for what you can't have. Haven't you learned ANYTHING by now?

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