12/04/2006 - 12:07 p.m.

As the year is quickly drawing to a close (only 21 shopping days til X-Mas fuckers!) and 28 days til 2007 it suddenly dawned on me that NOTHING has gone the way I wanted it to. I could say 'and it never does' but that wouldn't entirely be fair I know so I'll refrain. But I mean think about it...

January started out with the best intentions. Toast at midnight on NYE, things somewhat going ok. Job was kinda bumming me out but it was OKAY..someone who supposedly loved and cared about me. No money worries...IT WAS OKAY!

February started out ok, it really did...seriously. Ok so I got fired from my job, but I was hopeful, I was still with someone who supposedly loved and cared about me, hell they asked me to fucking marry them! And it was okay...in theory.

March is when the bottom falls out. Three days after my birthday no less...um..thanks. Turns out that it appears that everything was a lie and most likely always HAD been. Getting tired, tired of being lied to, tired of being lied ABOUT...just fucking tired.

April..hmm...what can I say about April? (confidential to someone:you got him ok? You win. You won and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bitter but again, at least I never cheated on him unlike some I could mention...and that was directly from the horses mouth so to speak)

Anyway...April sucked balls. Ended up feeling used (still do) and like I'd just wasted all that time giving a damn about someone only to get the big FUCK YOU (after I fuck you again...in her bed one night and in mine the next...hmm...should be used to the whole being used thing but revenge is sweet...just wait til July) Decide a change of scenery is in order...what a mistake...ranks up there with the Colorado thing...

May drifts along. I'm hopeful, maybe THIS is what I need. 21 hours in the car later and I learn rather quickly if my journals from that time frame are any indication, that it would turn out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life. New York and I do not greet each other with open arms. *Cue "Crazy Train" at this point* But we stick it out lest we admit that we failed again. But she'll fall...again...and again...

June isn't much better than July a week hobbling around due to sprained knee and ankle due to an 'attack' for lack of a better word which oddly enough I came out on the better end of if I do say so myself, I got my licks in...thinking that it's time to go 'home' wherever THAT'S at. Spend another 2 weeks in the funny farm only to start thinking that I'm not really crazy after all and just wishing SOMEONE would actually LISTEN to what I'm saying...the day after I get out, I jump ship and drive back to TN...

This is now July...3 days after I get back...I decide to fuck it all...or fuck everyone in some game of morbid revenge against the male population. They're gonna use me? Time to turn the tables. If men can use ME to get what they want? Why the blue hell can't I do the same? So I do, but deep inside I know that I'm not thinking logically and I actually despise myself for what I see that I'm doing but who cares. End up somewhat developing a reputation here in the great city of Clarksville...Raven the Drunken Slut. But all that stops once I meet Glynn...something about him...can't figure it out...I meet him one night, spill my guts and *gasp* he didn't run screaming in the opposite direction...didn't judge me...seems to *gasp again* accept me, warts and all...hmm...also manage to stop cutting thanks to his support(and a comment of "if you do then I'm walking away")

August rolls around now and I'm starting to feel the desperation setting in. After one of my drunken binges I manage to get myself raped. Keep silent though.I put on my 'happy eveything's going to be ok, I just know it is' face, but inside I'm slowing falling apart and I get to the point where it's gonna take just 'one more thing' to set me off but I don't know the who, what, when, where or hows of the situation...Until one day...On the 27th I spent all day debating the validity of jumping out in front of the next moving vehicle but somehow manage to come up with enough reasons NOT to but for whatever reason, they're not good enough the next day and it all comes crashing down and the bottom falls out. Some will argue that Glynn was the straw that broke the camel's back due to some things that were said that day; but the truth is he wasn't, he was just an unfortunate bystander. I said some things to him, most of which I don't remember as I have a hard time even now trying to figure out what was 'real' that day as opposed to hallucination. Pink paisley sofas anyone?? And is it any coincidence that my supposed wedding had tentively been planned for the 29th? Perhaps...but I digress...

September is good. Feeling better although it did take a week for me to be able to stand upright without losing my balance and to be able to eat 2 bites of food without hurling all over the place. I still wonder how much permanent damage I did from my OD. Get 'job' as live in babysitter life is looking up. Glynn forgives me for what I said that day(although he says there is nothing to forgive and that I have NOTHING to apologize for and that he's just glad that I'm still kicking around this side of the dirt) It's revealed that it was HE that had the cops called because in my infinite wisdom it's learned that it was him that I'd opened my mouth to and told what I'd done.(I coulda swore it was someone else but he says it was him, and we play "Fill in the Blanks" for a few hours).

October...Glynn admits that he's 'really starting to fall for me' but then disappears off the face of the earth it seems save for a few voicemails left with my roommate saying "we keep trying to catch each other, I've been waiting to hear from her, please tell her I'm not avoiding her". I spend more time talking to his new roommate than I do him. The beginning of the month is creepy as I watched someone die on the side of the road at 130 in the morning. Wonder if this is my punishment for trying to kill myself.

November. November is where it all comes down to the wire again. Having to move...again. Go to Missouri for a week...start wondering about various things...hmm...what to do what to do...

Now here we are at December...planning on going to MO...me and the cat til January when the roomie and I get a new place but as the state seems to be shut down at the moment...

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