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Catch Me I'm Falling?

12/02/2009 - 5:41 a.m.

For some odd reason I decided to take a trip down memory lane. I still haven't figured out exactly WHY though. There is nothing to be gained by re-reflecting on the past.

Ahhh, the past.

A few years ago,(circa 2004-2006) it would be fairly safe to say, I was in fact 'bat shit crazy'. Gotta love those misdiagnosises. Two and a half years of my life I lost to this. Two and a half years that even time can not erase, only slightly fade...but never completely erase. It still dwells there within you, questioning, beckoning...
And you wonder...

I suppose the reason behind this particular entry has to do with the idea, or fear really, that I'm going to wind up that way again someday. Only this time it'd be for 'real' and not merely a misdiagnosis. You see, as of late, I HAVE found myself becoming somewhat depressed, then happy as a clam. I suppose it REALLY could be chalked up to pregnancy hormones, after all I AM six months along now. But the fear remains. After all, I AM at risk for developing post partum depression, but every pregnant woman is, maybe myself so much more because I AM prone to depression. I don't know.

I've TRIED to be excited through this pregnancy thus far, but it's becoming harder and harder to do so. I think that is probably because the reality is slapping me in the fact that sometime at the beginning of March our baby will actually BE here as opposed to just a picture on an ultrasound or the kicks and jabs I feel inside constantly. Honestly? I have NO CLUE as to what a 'mommy' is. How do I know I will be a good mom? WILL I be a good mom? Hell my CAT hates me, isn't this some sort of indication?

I worry about paying my half of the bills when I'm out on maternity leave. I worry, I worry, I worry...

I worry that my soon to be ex husband Lance(no this baby isn't his, since that would be one HELL of an immaculate conception) will track me down and kill me like he's threatened to do, hence WHY I have a restraining order on him. I worry that he'll try to kill my and Robert's baby (he did that ONCE already...part of the reason I have a restraining order).

I found out tonight that last month he asked one of our mutual friends about me. Luckily, I had not spoken to this friend in several months, so the only thing that the friend could even tell him was 'she was fine the last time I talked to her a few months ago'.

But why is he asking?

I'd rather not consider the reasoning.

*sighs*

All I want is him OUT of my life for good. I'm quite happy with Robert and WE have been quite happy for over a year now. So there!


For the record: I'm not depressed really.

Off the record: I'm lying. I think

For the record: We're having a BOY!

Off the record: The idea of childbirth scares the FUCK out of me

For the record: I hate my job.

Off the record: I really don't plan on going back to it after my maternity leave. I will hopefully have something else different lined up, that pays more.

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