08/20/2003 - 1:37 a.m.

When does the anger end? Does it end? I'm beginning to think it doesn't because it keeps showing itself at the most inopportune times. Like right now. I'm completely flipping out and I don't know why. Sure I'm in an IM with two different friends and I'm telling them that I'm fine and I'm dealing. Yeah I'm dealing the only way I know how. Been drinking again. Swore I was gonna stop. We see how well THAT'S going. Once again I've become dependant on alcohol to deal. Too dependant. But it makes the pain stop at least for a little while. How much longer can I do this? It beats barfing I suppose. Oh, in case you dear reader haven't gathered, the hubby pretty much said he wasn't sure he wanted to work things out anymore and well...I was tired of being strung along. So I ended it. Especially after he called me a whore and told me to save the world time and die...

This actress hasn't learned the lines you'd like to hear. But I don't care, fuck you. I can't be who he wants me to be. And well...I don't know WHO I am. I need to find out. But is it too late? I don't think I really care anymore. No, I'm not depressed and I don't think I'm suicidal again. Thats up for debate right now. I don't think I am though. I haven't reached that point again. I feel like I'm two different people almost. The other night I went to see a friend and I was fine. Hell even they made the comment that I seemed alright over there. I was fine I think. I was "comfortable" I wasn't analyzing everything. I didn't feel like I was being judged. But the next day I was completely psycho. And I still feel that way. I was told "don't flip". Too late. I think I just did.

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