01/28/2004 - 2:22 a.m.

I've decided to entitle this particular entry "The Letter I'll Never Send". Because I'll never send it.

Dear (Insert Name Here)~

I've been needing to talk to you for a while, but everytime I try to broach the subject I back off. However, one can only say 'um nevermind' so many times though and I think I've reached my limit on how many I can continue to say it.

The first time was back in June. I debated for the longest time*god bless insomnia* on whether to tell you. I had many days of conversations with Brandy and Anna about talking to you about how I felt. But I was a chicken and just couldn't do it. I'd try...and by the time I got up the nerve, it would be late and you'd be signing off. And that's not just something that you bring up right before someone goes to bed.

Then in July, I got back together with IdiotBoy and told you that I felt I had to make it work with him, even if it meant alienating everyone. Including you. I didn't mean it though. I already knew to a point that I couldn't do that. I forced myself to chose between two people and quite honestly I chose the wrong one and I knew it from the moment I said it.

As I told you that night in August, someone stole my heart 2 years ago and they didn't even know it. Hell I didn't really know it for sure myself until last April. That someone was YOU.

Perhaps someday I'll be brave enough to show you this. Most likely not though. I've been trying to tell you something somewhat important since right before Christmas. And even though I kinda told you that night in August, I don't think you really heard my words but were merely seeing excuses.

You are the one I love, and the one that I am in love with. It's kinda silly I know because I know that if I ever did show you this, you'd most likely laugh your ass off at me, think it was sweet and never mention it, but most likely give me the brush off. (You know I can't compete with the 3000 other women *lol*)The reason I can never show you this is because my heart has already been broken one too many times and I don't want to go through that again. So you're probably better off not knowing in the long run.

I'm going to close this letter now, put it aside and never think of it again*yeah right*. And know this, even if you never see this, just know in your heart that once upon a time, there was someone out here who loved you more than she loved herself.

~S.

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