2003-06-08 - 7:08 p.m.

Last night was a really bad night. I think I finally had my breakdown. All of a sudden it occurred to me that it feels like everything I have ever said, done, felt,touched whatever has turned to shit and I can't fix it. Yeah I will admit I had been drinking again, but at the time this occurred I was stone cold sober. Couple that with the depression and you see what you get...Hopelessness and Despair and Depression equal one gal who decided that killing herself was a good option. This girl was tired of living the way she is and all she wanted to do was die. She didn't though otherwise she wouldn't be sitting here telling you about it. A lot of times I don't think anyone would care if I did anyway. I know there are a few that probably would but they are few and far between.

But, last night as this was all going on in my head I was telling my best friend about it too. I think in a way he saved me. That sounds melodramatic I know but its also true. He listened to me. Didn't judge me and won't throw this back in my face at a later date *unlike a certain Shithead I know who never listened anyway and thought I was just being ridiculous not to mention just a waste of his time.*

I once joked with him that he's the one who keeps me sane as well as makes me think about things in a logical sense and that was a big job. I'm not sure if he was prepared for last night though.I think I was being pretty illogical*lol* I was pretty close to going "over the edge" and it I hadn't been talking to him at the same time I'm pretty sure I would have done it.

So to you my friend,you know who you are...