I've decided to go ahead and copy my handwritten journals in here after all...I think thats the only way to truly begin the healing process...I'm not starting at any particular point but I think this was written on the 25th of March...

What the hell have I done?This wasn't the way things were supposed to happen. Why the fuck did I open my big fat mouth? I should have left it at "I'm not happy" and taht would have been that But nooooooo I had to tell the fucking truth!

Now he hates me. I can't say that I blame him, but it was over anyway*our marriage* and besides...I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!

I take that back. I did do somthing wrong. I lied to him. When he asked me a few days ago about_________ I said no, never. I didn't have feelings past or present for him. I lied though. I thought I was protecting him. Now I've practically killed him.

Please go away. Please. Right now death seems like a pretty good option. But I'm sitting here in my car and all the things I could possibly use are in the trunk.

Please go away. Just leave me alone. Please. Thank You...

3-27

Why can't we let this die with some dignity? Why do we keep dragging it out? Sure things may be fine for a day, a week, a month or even a year. It's not a risk I want to take anymore though.

I'm tired. I am so freaking tired. I just want to close my eyes and sleep. I don't even care if I wake up again because at least then it would be over.

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides..

The answer is no

But time makes you bolder

Why do we keep on trying? I know in my heart that its over. Why does my head keep telling me otherwise? Isn't it my heart the one I should be listening to?

Oh hell I don't know anymore.

Oh what a wonderful life I lead. It fucking sucks.

I have so many questions running through my head right not, but no answers to give those questions. Truth be told I'm scared and confused. I wonder if that's anything like scared and naked. Or nekkid as I like to say...Like I said. I don't know anymore.

"Tell me why, everything turned around..."

Thats a line from a song but its a good question. Why DID everything change? Or has it always been like that and I've never noticed? For some reason I tend to believe the latter.

I know I should have faith but is it justified? I already know the answer to that. The answer is no.

3-28

I need to talk to someone, but my wonderful abusive husband has taken away the one person I could talk to: FOR HIMSELF!

So now I have no friends to talk to and I'm 99% sure the one true confidant I had has been swayed by Brian's version of today's events.

So now I'm alone.

Dammit he fucking told me to tell him what would make me the happiest and I did. And what did it get me? A fucking bite and a punch and a threat to kill me. Oh god I just want to talk to someone ANYONE! If I don't I'm afraid I'll hurt myself. I didn't the only thing that would make me happy and now I've lost everything! My family, my friends..EVERYFUCKINGTHING!

Please anybody, Can anyone hear me?Maybe if I'm lucky I'll mistake the peroxide bottle for the coke....

Why can't anyone hear me?

Because they don't care thats why. Nobody does and nobody ever will. I'm as insignificant as the spider I brushed off the windshield earlier today. I am nothing to anybody.

SO, I fucking give up.

What the fuck did I do that was do wrong?

I TOLD THE TRUTH! I'm NOT happy and its NOT going to get better.

Trapped alone inside my own mind because I can't talk to anyone and ones wants to talk to me anyway.

I just need to hear another human voice.

Oh wait, I'm not human..according to my soon to be ex husband.

This just can't be over soon enough for me.

I'm being ignored now..

why?

Why can't someone hear me?

Contact with ANYONE just don't let me me feel so alone right now.

I just want someone to put their arms around me and tell me everything will be okay...

Thats all I want really.

Why can't I have that?

EEK. What the HELL was I on when I wrote that? That was from almost 3 months ago...Kinda freaky ain't it?