2003-06-10 - 7:46 p.m.

Ok, this entry is going to consist of several parts. I'm not sure where they're going yet but bear with me...

Well first things first, the shithead is not avoiding me anymore, at least I don't think he is. After the conversation this after noon, I'm not sure*lol*

Anyway to catch you my faithful readers up to speed:

The shithead and I will have been married for 5 years this September. We've always had a very rocky relationship due to the fact that well...we don't see eye to eye on A LOT of things and expect things that the other isn't willing to give. He pretty much IN MY OPINION wants to have complete control over things and well...I'm stubborn and I don't give control up very easily TO ANYONE. We've had our ups and downs etc etc and in the course of almost 5 years he's left me FOUR times for a variety of reasons. Most of which involve him pretty much trying to blame ME for everything. Now I won't say I WASN'T at fault for A LOT of the things but he's got to take responsibility too. Anyway the fourth time was this last April 5th and that brings us back to now...

Granted the day he left I was all for "the plan"...

Ahh what a beautiful idea it was too let me tell ya. We were going to separate for about 9 months to get back on our feet and then get back together. Why you ask? Well due to the residual fallout from THE LAST TIME HE LEFT IN SEPTEMBER we got fired,couldn't find new jobs and couldn't pay our bills...This lovely "plan" was supposed to fix all of this...but you see dear reader...this goes deeper than just monetary issues. The shithead has always been very uhm..."demanding" and if you know anything at all about me, the more you DEMAND something the LESS likely you are to get what you want. I refuse to be subservient to ANYONE. But I'll touch more on THAT ISSUE in a minute. Anyway the demands became more and more and as a result, the LESS I paid attention to him which lead to more abuse, and more heartache for ME. So yes for a few days after he left, I went along with "The Plan" but the more I sat down and thought about it*I was by myself A LOT during this time* The more I realized that "The Plan" wasn't all it was cracked up to be...

I like sex...I like it ALOT. But for the last few months I will admit I didn't want it as much as HE did. Sex has always been an issue with us dating back to July of 1997, BEFORE we'd even become intimate...hell before we'd even SEEN each other in person...We have very different "tastes" when it comes to sex. I'm a pretty much straightforward kinda gal really. Yeah I like a little restraint once in a while but nothing major. I'm not into being controlled*goes back to that whole "subserviant" thing,whereas it appears to ME anyway that he wants to be the one to call the shots IN and OUT of the bedroom. I tried to be that woman for him but it wasn't enough though. Like I said, I can't give up MY control to make him or ANYONE happy.Its just NOT going to happen....So he looked elsewhere...on the internet...But you see...we had an agreement....

The agreement was quite simple really...We made this "agreement" back in the days while we were still dating and before we'd even seen each other...It was a nice agreement....CYBERSEX is CHEATING. We both agreed to this. I always upheld my end of the bargain...I thought he had too...Imagine my surprise Christmas of 99 when I was looking through Outlook to make copies of the emails that we had sent to each other while "courting". Needless to say I never found them, what I did find made me utterly sick though.*I was already sick at that time,was running a temp of 103 and was off work* Email...sent to some chick....erotic in nature...dated the same very day I was proposed to...very detailed...From that day forward...I knew I was being lied to and was on constant vigilence...