04/14/2004 - 2:34 p.m.

Well. I'm back. Actually they let me out last Friday. They didn't want to release me until Monday though because they didn't feel I was stable enough to return home. But...because I had appointments set up with my therapist and my pdoc they went ahead and discharged me.

I suppose I should explain what led me to commit myself shoudn't I?

Well...as you can tell by my previous entries I'd been rapid cycling. Sunday night, I had some folks from work over. I was a terrible hostess. I was also drunk in an attempt to be less depressed and more socialble. I failed miserably in my opinion. Anyway, fast forward to Monday. Monday was a bad day. Very bad. I missed my therapy appointment, overslept and signed my separation agreement papers and mailed them back. It should be noted at this time that April 5th was the same day that IB left last year.

Later that evening, after purchasing enough alcohol to kill a horse. I didn't drink all of it though...only 7 drinks and none of it hard liqour, I called IB and let him know that I had signed the papers. One thing led to another and the conversation ended up with him telling me to die and go to hell.

Being that I was already A:depressed and B:drunk...I decided that this was not a bad idea and found myself in my kitchen at 2am searching for the perfect knife to do the job with. I found the perfect one...held it to my wrist...I could feel the blade against my skin, and couldn't do it. I remember screaming and throwing the knife in the sink. I went into my bedroom and laid in bed for hours until I finally got about 2 hours of sleep. The next afternoon I called my insurance company to get authorization to check myself in and left.

While I was there I met with a shrink, a case manager, and a social worker and...a chemical dependency counselor. And after a while, I was dx'd as Bipolar and given meds...great, I get to take these for the rest of my life evidently...fun fun...

And yes, I am an alcoholic.

I am however glad to say that I have been sober since the 6th, not that I don't have the urge to drink. OH TRUST ME I have the urge. Blah.

Are the meds working? Well..that's anyone's guess. I have my antidepressant and mood stabilizer in the AM and my mood stablizer and my sedative/antidepressant in the PM. I don't have the urge to kill myself. I'm still swinging but not as fast. As a matter of fact, right now I'm hypomanic*lol* I don't like it but oh well*shrugging* what can you do?

I'm also on medical leave til next Tuesday. I wanted to go back to work this Thursday but the doc thought this was a bad idea. Damned if I know why though. Any ideas?

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