04/26/2004 - 3:27 p.m.

Well...Yes I know...deep subject.

I guess the past year has been my own personal "bitter pill" and now that it's finally gone down, I'm not sure how to handle it.

One would think I should be happy right? It's a pretty good theory, but it also happens to be wrong. Thing is...I don't know why though.

I mean, these diaries have chronicled the situations and feelings since before IB and I separated and now..The conclusion is...??? Is there a conclusion? A Sequel? Or did it just...end? The credits haven't run yet...I don't know.

I used to think that the answers were simple. But I guess there are no simple answers when you get down to it. I can't have things both ways. Am I mourning the loss of the man or the loss of the marriage? I still don't know. Everyone says that it'll get wasier with time. But if that were the case, don't you think that after a year and 18 days I wouldn't have taken this so hard? When I found out Friday at work that the divorce was final, they ended up sending me home because I became hysterical. On top of work stresses because I wasn't ready to go back yet and then that, they told me to take another leave of absence. I guess they were afraid that I'd end up back in the hospital if I didn't, so here I am, back on leave and once again, trying to deal. I have to give myself credit though. I haven't cried today. I almost did though because that song "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" was on the radio, and that was the song that IB and I listened to right before we got married and right after we got married. It should also be noted that April 22nd 1997 was when he and I officially became a couple and on April 23rd 2004 is the day the divorce was finalized. And isn't it ironic don't ya think? It's time to let go of the past, and to embrace the future. The creature formerly known as "MaggieandIB" is gone. But what is the future? I always imagined spending the rest of my life with IB... What now???

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