05/01/2004 - 12:23 p.m.

I was watching an episode of Friends the other night. The one where Monica and Chandler are trying to adopt the baby. For some reason this upset me.

For me, infertility is no laughing matter. I know...I've lived it. For a sitcom to make light of the situation that so many men and women go through daily feels like a slap in the face.(side note) I am aware that Courteney Cox and her husband David have gone through infertility and that she is currently pregnant with the help of in-vitro fertilization. That's what shocks me even more about the storyline on Friends. But, if doind that storyline helps/helped her deal then more power to her.

Do you know what it's like to try and have a baby and then finding out that you and your husband are incapable of doing so? All the emotions that run through your mind month after month when the pregnancy test comes up negative? Is it my fault? Is it his fault? Why can't we get pregnant?

The temperature charting every morning, before you move hoping that today is the day that the temperature goes up signifying that you've ovulated. Planning sex for a solid week when you think you are...all hoping for the slim chance that Mr Sperm meets up with Ms Egg. The herbal remedies supposedly known for helping with said ovulation and making you more fertile. The vile concoctions of Chaste Tree Berry and False Unicorn Root...Green Tea to help increase cervical fluid so the sperm can travel easier.

The heartbreak of another negative pregnancy test. The doctors telling you that you and your husband will never get pregnant on your own. Finding out a week later that you are...but you've sprained your ankle before finding out and the emergency room puts you on Lortab..You take a test 2 days later...you're pregnant after all. But because of the Lortabs..you painfully miscarry a few days later.

The marriage starts faltering...not because of that, but you can't help but wonder if maybe just maybe...that's part of it...you continue trying though, but you've already given up on so many counts.

The friends you have start getting pregnant and you're left standing on the sidelines, you try to be happy for them...but inside your heart breaks. Your chance is gone. You would have been a good mother, you know this in your heart. You smile. Congratulations are in order. But afterwards...that's when the tears start. The tears don't matter though, they are silent, no one hears them.

You feel that it's unfair that everyone got their chance...except you. But what can you do? What's done is done and you're just fucking defective.

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