05/09/2004 - 9:24 p.m.

I feel like such a bum. All I've done is sleep for most of the day and I want to go BACK to bed. Lemme tell ya, this Geodon is seriously kicking my ass. I was so wiped from it last night that I forgot to take my Trazodone. You know, that med that's supposed to help me sleep. I zonked at about 2am, woke up at 11am, stayed up for about 3 hours, long enough to download some more tunes, talk on the phone and eat...then back to sleep til 7pm. Hell, I'm tired just thinking about it!

Now, instead of getting too little sleep, I'm getting too MUCH. Blargh, is there no happy medium here? Yeah, it's making me less manic, no doubt about that BECAUSE IT THROWS ME INTO A FUCKING COMA!!!

Also, I hate fucking Mother's Day. I'm a mom too you know. It just happens to be that my baby died 6 weeks after conception. That doesn't make me any less of a mom though. That was MY child and I loved him/her more than anything despite his/her brief existence. This is part of the reason I went to my Mom's yesterday as well as my Grandmother's. Because today is the usual Birthday/Mother's Day dinner at my Grandmother's. And I just didn't want to deal with it. Because everyone there is a mom...except me. While my aunt doesn't have any biological children she has a stepson. Therefore, she's a mom, my mom has me of course and Granny has my mom and my aunt. And then...there's me...*sighs*

I've been trying to not let it bother me, but as you can tell from my previous entries, it really is. And it's not getting better. I'm not depressed per se, just depressed about that one thing. Oh well, I'll get through it. I always do...in about 2 weeks the blueness will have lifted and I'll be on to something else.

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