05/18/2004 - 9:48 p.m.

I'm tired of the illusion. I'm tired of the feeling that the rug is constantly being pulled out from under me. I'm tired of loving someone who is evidently nothing BUT an illusion. I'm tried of the illusion period. I'm tired that the illusion can't be broken. I'm tired that this man is the only one I can imagine spending the rest of my life with and knowing that it'll never happen. I'm tired of the illusions period. I'm tired of my illusion being shattered. I'm tired of my heart being constantly broken by this illusion which will never be reality. I love my illusion, but it breaks my heart...HE breaks my heart. I'm just tired.

I cut again tonight. I haven't done that since the day I went into the bin. I just wanted to make sure I still have feelings. I'm tired of my feelings never being taken into consideration. Does The Illusion know he breaks my heart? Does he know that I'm scared? Does he know that I always feel like an idiot because I fell for The Illusion?

I don't ask for much. I just want to be with him SOMEHOW. I don't care how. If it took me moving to where he's at, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Does he know that? No. Does he know I almost did that last summer? No. Would he care? Probably not. Would it matter? Probably not.

*sighs*

I love someone with all of my heart, all of my being. But in the end...it doesn't matter. I'd probably be better off getting back together with IB...