05/19/2004 - 11:36 p.m.

I've had a rough couple of days. Now instead of being obscenely manic, I've gone back to being extremely depressed. To the point where that bottle of trazodone was looking pretty good. But I started cutting myself again. I'm not sure what really triggered it.

My sobriety was questioned. I have been sober for 44 days now. To have someone whom I have known for 26 years question it. That hurt. I know she meant well, but I think she went about it the wrong way. She thinks I need to go back and live with my mom. In a spur of the moment decision I told her that I would move out when she comes home and that I would be moving back to Clarksville and going back to school.

Am I ready to do either? No. I've been crying hysterically most of the past 2 days...

Then tonight, on yet another spur of the moment decision, I went to my first AA meeting. For one hour, I was able to stop crying.I met some great folks there and they made me feel quite welcome. I also received my 30 day chip*because obviously they don't have a 43 day chip*lol* I feel like I'm going to cry. Right now, I think I'm ok, just a little lonely. But I'm a tough cookie, I'll live.

I really planned on going back to work on Sunday. And I did, but had a nasty ass panic attack when I did. So now I'm back on leave and I see my pdoc tomorrow because I have some papers to be signed proving that I'm unable to work so my job is safe.

Anyway, I don't really have much to say other than...eh I forget...

PS~Jason, I'm sorry if last night's entry hurt you. I do love you and I'm sorry, but I had to say it.

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