09/19/2004 - 3:47 p.m.

When I was a little girl, I was very happy go lucky. It was very hard to shake me. However I had a few things I was afraid...no make that TERRIFIED of.

I remember when I was about 5, my mother had bought me the entire Disney's First Encyclopedia. I was a voracious reader and could sit for hours going over the entries. However, When I read the "D" books, I got to the entry of 'death'

Death according to the encylopedia, is where all life ceases to exist.

It's amazing that after 22 almost 23 years I can still recall that sentence.

Yet, it struck a very powerful chord in me. I became terrified of dying. I cried literally for weeks about this and my mom just yelled at me and hit me and told me to shut up. She never ONCE asked me what was wrong. As a five year old, I didn't understand that death was a natural progression. Then one night, when I just did not want to fall asleep, due to thinking that I would die, my dad pulled me into the den and asked me what was wrong. I pulled out that encyclopedia with its terrifying entry. My dad looked and me, gave me a hug and sat me down and explained that I WASN'T going to die in my sleep, that I was a very healthy 5 year old and that he wouldn't let anything happen to me.

I still find it strange that when I was about 16, I found that old encyclopedia volume and turned to that page, and the entry struck a chord of fear in me almost as strong as it had 11 years earlier.

Even more strange is that at the ripe old age of 27 and a half, I've found myself locked up in a psych hospital twice because I DIDN'T fear death, and actually WANTED to die.

Which invariably brings me to my second childhood fear...

Obsession with chemicals and the fear that they would infiltrate my body and poison me.

After getting over the death and dying thing, I found myself at the age of 7, absolutely terrified of chemicals, be they cleaning supplies, or even bug sprays. I felt that everytime I breathed some horrendous poison was going to enter my body and be the end of me.

I became obsessed with washing my hands, and covering my face anytime I saw a canister, a bottle or anything containing a chemical solution. I was even scared of glass cleaner. My obsession with avoiding these items became so great that I was convinced that everytime I opened my mouth the poisons were seeping in through my saliva. And I refused to swallow it. I would allow my saliva to collect in my mouth until I had to spit it out.

A simple trip to the grocery store was major cause for alarm because I knew we'd have to walk past the bug sprays. The big,shiny black and green cans of Raid were cause for almost hysteria.

I remember my mother screaming at me that if I didn't shut up and get over it she would take me to the Harriet Cohn Center and make them give me shots to calm me down like they had to do to her father.

*Side note: Gee, thanks mom, maybe you SHOULD have!!*

Eventually, I grew out of this fear, I honestly can't say how or why though. It just happened one day, that I was no longer scared of chemicals. I think it had to do with the fact that my dad told me that EVERYTHING contains chemicals, EVEN ME. I guess I just decided that if there were chemicals in ME, then maybe they were nothing to fear after all.

I would like to add at this point, that I've never been scared of a can of Raid since then, and while I was a teenager, I should have bought stock in the company since I always had a can within easy reach due to being scared of wasps because I'm slightly allergic to them.

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