10/11/2004 - 2:42 p.m.

I've had an interesting few days to say the least. I've become...dare I say...somewhat...'sociable'. Totally out of character for me, but not too terrible I suppose.

However, this brings me to my latest rant, not even a rant per se, more like...observations...

For most of my adult life, I have never seen myself as 'potential mate', 'love interest' or 'sexual being'

It's always been more like 'little sister who needs to be protected' or 'older, wiser sister who doles out advice with a heavy bit of sarcasm'

I have also never thought of myself as 'pretty', 'cute', 'adorable', 'beautiful', 'sexy' or 'gorgeous'...for I am none of the above.

However, folks seem to be suffering from the delusion that I AM the above. Although for what reasons I'm not quite sure, and don't quite understand. I've been told in the past to not question it but to go with it. But I'm sorry, I like having validation for people saying things like that especially when I know that they are dead wrong. They must be blind I have determined...

I've run across some folks in my travels recently who seem to be bound and determined to try and prove me wrong. It seems to be almost a game to them. I am a puzzle, a challenge to be met.

I am not however, an object to be used. I'm tired of being used, or at least feeling that way. I am a person, I have feelings and thoughts and desires*though I refuse to truly acknowledge them for they're really not important to anyone I don't think*.

I will not allow myself to be used or to be at someone else's mercy. I spent 7 years doing that. And as it appears to be with 99% of the males that I have come into contact with, that's all I am good for.

I have a friend, that I was talking to this morning, and I think I said some things that I shouldn't have. Mostly comments in response to things he was saying about me. Good things mind you. Nothing bad. He was going on about how pretty I am, sexy, attractive, etc etc etc. You know, gag worthy under most circumstances. And every once in a while I'd come back with "you're blind", or "I'm not worth worrying about babe" and my personal favorite :"gee, what number am I?" *that last one was kind of a low blow and I knew it, but it fell out of my mouth before I could stop myself. But given the conversations that we have, I think that it's a rather fitting question. I could tell it hurt him though by his response which was something along the lines of "it was never about that".

We shall see my dear, we shall see.

The title of today's entry is also a direct quote from him in response to the 'I'm not worth worrying about'

It's not worth mentioning that the next statement was "So shut up and let me worry"

I'm beginning to wonder though..what if...

What if I really am this nice pretty*insert adjective of choice here*...Am I alienating people by voicing my opinion of myself? Should I just keep my mouth shut, smile and nod when people pay me a compliment no matter HOW wrong I feel they are?

I don't know.*shrug*

On a side note, someone called my house at NOON today, I do not appreciate this. I was sleeping and its a good thing I don't have caller ID otherwise someone would be in trouble...I have a feeling I know who it was though, I have it narrowed down to 2 people*lol*

Blah, I shall consider my predictament more. I don't wanna push people away. I don't particularly LIKE people but, they are a necessary evil I suppose...and it doesn't help that there are quite a few that eh nevermind...that's not important either...

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