10/29/2004 - 2:35 p.m.

I got a little sidetracked last night and never did complete my thought about the 'defense mechanism' topic. That's ok though because events occurred after that that lead me to have more material anyway.

But before I get into that I have a decision I need to make...it's that lovely time again known as 'shift bid'. As you know, I just recently back in August ended up on my current shift which I happen to like, but now...we have new shifts to chose from and I have to decide if I want to KEEP my current shift...or move to one where I may be happier...

My choices are:

stay on current shift
split shift*not in THIS lifetime thanks*
3 twelves*I'll lose 4 hours of pay per week..but have 4 days off*
or 4 tens...10 hours a day..but three days off

I kinda like the idea of 4 tens...I loved those when I was at AT&T...

But I have til November 10th to fill out the form*which I already tried to do and screwed up so I need a new one already*lol*

Once again, the Paycheck Blunder Fairy did not visit me. YAY! I got my check ON TIME, got it cashed, reloaded my card, put gas in the car*hey I got almost a full tank this time!* got my smokes and life is good. I'm almost completely caught up on my rent and will only owe 25 dollars after this week, will I will be paying NEXT week.

I also decided to give the Sugar Free Red Bull another chance...and...

it's not that bad after all :)

But on to my main topic:

I have come to the conclusion that in recent months, years, whathaveyou I seem to have employed a variety of what I can only think of as defense mechanisms.

Most of which are used to protect myself from various things and others to protect others. And some, are subconsiously, used to 'get back' at others in order to protect myself.

I spent years building walls around myself not allowing anyone to get too close to me in order to prevent myself from getting hurt by people only to find that the only person I'm truly hurting is myself. Or am I?

EVERY time I have let someone in allowed them to know the real me, it blows up in my face :(Idiotboy, Jason, et al.) Which leads me to believe, I should never let ANYONE in...a good theory if you ask me...

But, the most used mechanism I have is silence. You know how it goes, the 'ok, if I keep my mouth shut, no one is any wiser, I protect myself from making an idiot out of myself and no one is the wiser.' It usually works, until one day...

I open my mouth and say too much.

And once you open your mouth, there's no backtracking, you can't take it back, which invariably leads to MORE silence and resentment on behalf of the person you were keeping silent TO and for youself being an idiot and opening your mouth in the first place. At this point, you realize that you should have just smiled, nodded and remained the happy happy person you were all along and no one would have been the wiser...but NO!

You had to be an idiot and open a can of worms that should have remained closed. You kept your mouth shut in order to prevent a big mess only to open your mouth and cause a bigger mess that you can't fix unless you spill all...but in order to protect yourself, you remain silent as spilling all would serve no useful purpose in the end and just make you look like a bigger*explicative deleted* than you already do*not to mention feel like*

You want to say something to at least smooth things over, to make things right again...but your own need for secrecy(self preservation) prevents you from doing that. It's always there, on the tip of your tongue. You want to apologize, say you're sorry, that you were wrong...

You ARE sorry, but you don't necessarily feel you did anything wrong per se, all you were doing was trying to protect yourself. But in the end, all you did was make things worse. Which leads us back to defense mechanism #I forget what number: SILENCE.

It never ends. You end up in quite a conundrum. Complete what you've already started and look like a *masked vulgarity* or not finish the statements and feel like a *masked vulgarity* anyway. There's no way to win there...

*But I'll get to that in my next entry*

The other 'defense mechanism' I seem to use, at least subconsiously*meaning that I don't realize I'm using it until it's already over and done with* is...actually it's almost like projection. The 'ok, you did,said whatever this to me, lets see how you like a taste of your own medicine' That one gets used ALOT in terms of IB...This one is the most dangerous of the mechansims that I've used. I actually don't HAVE an excuse as to why I chose that particular defense. But it's like I've done it so long*see reference to *one upping* in previous entry* that it's almost like second nature to me,almost autonomous, and I don't want it to be.

All in all, defense mechansims suck, and I wish I didn't feel like I needed them...but evidently I do for whatever reason. And everytime, it blows up in my face in some form or fashion...blargh. Oh well.. life goes on I suppose.

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