10/28/2004 - 7:02 p.m.

This is going to be one of the more interesting*that's putting it mildly* entries that I will probably write for some time.

As I mentioned in the last one...I feel like that I've thrown myself into some sort of morbid competition. Against who? I'm not quite sure really. As to why? I don't REALLY have an answer to THAT either. Heck, I don't even know what the PRIZE is in this 'competition'.

I have a few ideas that I've kicked around as to the who, the why and the whats...but none of it makes sense. I've never truly been a competitive person. I mean give me a break. I couldn't compete with all of IB's little internet SPs...

But I can't help but think in some way...HE'S the competition. I've spent the better part of the last year and a half or so trying to prove*if only to myself* that I am better than him in every aspect.

I held my head high when he called me names *ok so I called him a few of my own most of which I never told here*. I didn't keep silent about the things he did...

But what am I trying to prove now? That if I'm pushed back into a corner for so long then I'll come back out swinging like a wildcat? I think I already did that though...

No matter how bad things got I didn't slink off to my family, at least not until this last time when the problem got bigger than I could handle*and we see the end result of that though...familial estrangement! But I digress*

Then again...the competition takes an interesting turn...in going along with his prior statements that someone was just using me for a *POA*(if you have to ask what that is think of it like this...piece of*fill in the blank*) I want(ed) to prove him*and the person he accused* wrong. Prove that I'm better than that..worth more than that...*if not only to prove him wrong but to prove it to MYSELF*

But you know what? Though it pains me to do so, I think I have to concede this point to him. If I'm wrong though tell me!

That brings me to now...The "I Don't Care"-slash-"No Conscience" phase of this whole thing

Why do I refer to it as the "I Don't Care" -slash- "No Conscience" phase? Because...I feel like I've cared TOO much about people, places,things etc...All it's done is gotten me in trouble it seems...Keeping my inner thoughts etc to myself has ultimately served no useful purpose whatsoever. I've purposely avoided people out of wanting to avoid making others*others implies MORE than ONE just so you know...*jealous. Causing jealousy isn't my thing quite honestly, so the easiest thing to do is to avoid situations that could cause it.

No more. I DON'T CARE!

Ok so maybe "No Conscience" is a little extreme...I DO have one...it's gotten me in trouble too...so scratch the no conscience bit and just go with "I Don't Care" From now on, I'm gonna do what I want, WHO I want*not that this has come up but if it does...*and I DON'T CARE what YOU or YOU or even YOU over there hiding in the corner thinks.

The prize in this though is...nothing...just proving once and for all, that if I'm gonna be something...may as well hold my head high..and be it.

Omg...I just realized something else...my marriage always seemed to be about "one-upping" each other, a kind of "ok, you hurt ME, now how can I get back at YOU?"

*Looks in mirror* That's exactly what it feels like I'm trying to do now!...THAT'S what this 'competition' thing is about...I feel used*in more ways and by more people than one* (such as IB telling me he still wanted to work things out up until about 4 weeks ago when evidently...WHOREMOANS kicked in...and more recently with the whole 'karma coming back to bite me on the butt thing'...well you get the picture... and in feeling such...I want to go 'ok...my turn now, let's see how you like that feeling'...it's...a...defense mechanism! *See next entry as I realized I can say a lot about this topic*

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