10/30/2004 - 4:11 a.m.

This entry is for someone...and they know who they are. I choose to post this just in case for some reason my fingers won't allow me to hit send on the email/IM thing...

Hi. Don't say anything yet just hear me out. I am an idiot. And you are right, I should have just been open with you to begin with instead of resorting to my favorite self preservation technique which is keeping my mouth shut. I thought that I was saving myself a lot of trouble etc, but instead I just CAUSED a lot more than I ever imagined or intended to do. I owe you an explaination as to why I acted and said*or didn't say as the case may be* the things I did.
First things first, let it be known that I am not in love with you, or anything like that, so that's not the issue. Quite honestly, I'm not sure WHAT exactly it is that I feel for you , and that quite frankly perturbs me greatly. I know that I care about you a LOT as a friend, but I also feel it a bit deeper than that, but I don't know what it is. I just know that it's something that doesn't need to be there right now anyway. My fear is/was that I would say or do something and that you would inevitably get the wrong idea of what I was meaning or thinking. So I chose what I thought were the best options : First one being keeping my mouth shut period, which is much easier to do on the phone or online. And secondly, avoiding putting myself into a situation where that could possibly occur.

I will be the first to admit, that these were not good options.

And as you know or probably gathered from my entry a few days ago *the 'invisible' one* that I quite honestly felt hurt even though I shouldn't have. Not mad, not angry...just...hurt.*shrug* And yes, even a just little bit jealous too.

And I am sorry. I was wrong in what I did and I can't apologize enough. I know that I don't have the right to ask you this, but can you ever forgive me? Friends are too few and far between to find these days to lose one of the best ones I've had in a while due to my own idiocy and stupid fears. I would still like to come up and see you graduate in December, if you'll have me that it*weak smile*

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