11/13/2004 - 10:55 p.m.

*sigh*

Why, why WHY can't I be normal?

I've been sitting here for the last few hours wishing for nothing but a drink. If I hadn't had that stupid Pepsi over the past few days I probably wouldn't be 'jonesing' so badly.

I've made it this long right? Why is tonight so different? I've been spouting off about the benefits of my sobriety...the weight loss, the not being an eerie shade of glow in the dark green, no hangovers...

Only to realize, that it doesn't matter...

I want to be able to go home after a long day of work, and pour myself a drink and relax and not worry about it. But I know as well as you do that after that first drink comes the second...the third...the fourth...so on and such.

Ha, how many times have I lied about how much I've had?

*cue flashback music*

"How much have you had?"

"Enough"

"How much??"

"Three or four" (try 6-7 if not more...)

"Well I guess that's not so bad. Just be careful."

"I will"

(shoot me now...)

"I just worry about you"

"I know, but you shouldn't, I know what I'm doing"

(but I don't)...

*present time*

And now, here I am...wondering if it WOULD be ok...for just ONE drink...but full well and knowing that it would most likely turn into more...that just makes me a hypocrite.

Why can't I just be normal?

It appears that all my friends ended up that way...none of THEM have frickin mental illnesses, addictions and a bad marriage to show for THEIR lives. I was always the "well-adjusted one" WTF happened???

I obviously can't talk to my friends about this...none of them would understand...

If I just buy it...and put it in the house...just as kind of a 'test' of sorts...kinda like 'ok, if you want it THAT badly, there it is...' would it work??

Or would I just fail??

I guess we'll see...

Just don't hate me if I fall...please???

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