11/18/2004 - 1:55 a.m.

Well we're going on day three of Cold Watch 2004©. I have completely lost my sense of smell and taste...and sound like The Nanny on crack.

In other news...to say I fell off the wagon...would be an understatement of grand proportions...took a fucking flying leap would be more like it.

*rant warning ahead*

However, on my 11th, yes...11th drink of the night last night...I flipped and realized something was seriously wrong. So I called a person who I thought would understand...

However, I quickly learned that I was in fact...mistaken.

I'll overlook the fact that the little corporate goth fuckstick he passes off as a girlfriend answered his phone...

But this...this I can not and will not overlook...

I called you last night because I was scared. I didn't know whatelse to do. I thought that if I just talked to someone I could get some answers about what my next step should be. Due to insurance or lack thereof...hospitalization is not an option. Due to having bills I have to pay...taking time off work is NOT AN OPTION. But no...

You had to go and be a dickhead...guess it's only fitting since that's the only way your dick will gain size...but I digress...

Did it make you feel BIG and STRONG and IMPORTANT to show off for your whore? To show how you treat people and insult them and berate them? Did it make you feel SPECIAL to 'prove' that YOU'RE the MAN and a woman...especially your exwife...is not worthy of your time or energies? But rather try to prove your theory that "Shiloh is psycho" by insisting that I need to be locked away in the hospital long term?

If she didn't see that...then not only is she stupid...she's blind...she's already proven her stupidity by fucking you so that just proves that there's not much to be said for her taste in men...surely she can do better on the otherside of the fence...but that's neither here nor there....

So to you Brian, I give a big FUCK YOU.

*end rant*

Yeah...fuck you...

I made a terrible mistake. But, I can't dwell on it. I shouldn't have picked the bottle back up again...two days into my 4 day binge, I looked in the mirror and saw a person staring back at me that I didn't recognize...and I didn't care. I welcomed them back into my life. And I shouldn't have.

This is not something that I can kick on my own, no matter how much I would love to try and say that I can. While I can't afford 'treatment' in an actual facility, I'm going to utilizing the resources around me to get the help that I need. I AM stronger than I give myself credit for and I CAN kick this addiction.

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