01/04/2005 - 12:59 p.m.

Ok, I'm rather peeved now because I just wrote out this whole long entry and because my caps lock key turned on and I hit the tab key in error to try to turn it off I lost the entry. But that's ok. I'll just start over. Too bad that in that short period of time I've already forgotten what I said.

Pretty much it was that I' must be insane for working from 10am til 930pm all this week save for today and Friday. But I AM working today from 10am til 7pm*lol* But hey, the way I see it, money's money and all money is good. And trust me, I need it! But I get the feeling that these hours this week are seriously gonna get to me like they haven't already. I got an hour and a half of sleep last night*Sunday* woke up, came to work, ran to the bathroom looked at myself in the mirror and ended up having to tell myself to get a grip*lol* But serious, this whole 'throwing myself into work' thing is so I can 'keep myself out of trouble'

Somehow this keeping myself out of trouble thing is gonna be harder than it seems as I don't go LOOKING for trouble mind you, it just seems to land in my lap, or my bed...*shrugs*

You know, and I swore I wasn't going to mention IB in here ever again, but he made an interesting point to me the other day and I hadn't really considered it at ALL until he said something...

He said that he felt that maybe I was in some sort of competition with him. And then it dawned on me...Maybe I am. I didn't even consider looking at it that way until he said that. Then in a moment of clairity, I stepped back and said. That could be it. I told him that he could be right and now that I can speak MOSTLY freely in here now I will go ahead and say this, if I were in some sort of competition, not only was it with IB but with Chris as well. How does he fit into it you ask? It's a long and somewhat twisted sorry and I don't care to go into it, if you're THAT interested just read the entries from April til October, including the 'invisible ink' entry and maybe it'll make sense.

But I don't think it's a competition. More of a sadness and looking for something ANYTHING to fill it, even if I don't really realize that I'm doing half the things I'm doing until later.

Matthew even brought up yet another interesting point a few weeks ago, something along the lines of having been told I'm something for so long that I'm trying to become it. Maybe that's what I meant in my year end wrap up entry about suddenly realizing that I've become what I've hated all along.

Anything's possible I suppose. I don't know.

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