02/03/2005 - 3:34 p.m.

I swear that I am going to rip my uterus out. This feels almost as bad as my miscarriage a few years ago, only this time I know that I wasn't pregnant. Blah.

And naturally, I've been thinking some more. The old blue funk is slowly working its way underneath my door like smoke from a fire. I see it, I feel it, I smell it, it's there. It's everywhere, permeating the air, it's not suffocating...yet...but the weight of it presses down and soon, I will be trapped. Back in the prison of my own mind. I don't care for this place much you know...

I really don't.

It gets to be too much. And the thoughts...oy the thoughts...the idea of munching my entire bottle of klonopin has crossed my mind on more than one occasion during the past few days and quite honestly I don't understand why. Normally I would attribute it to PMS but um...I'm obviously NOT PMSing at the moment. I don't understand why I'm slowly*ok not exactly slowly at this point* growing sadder and sadder. It could be the weather...I'm just looking for excuses. Quite truthfully I don't KNOW why I'm feeling this way. I do know that it'll get worse before it gets better. What will the price be this time though?

No matter what I do, I'm always paying for stuff it seems. Things I did, things I thought, things I should have done, things I didn't do...Feelings I have had...feelings that I wish I didn't have. Thoughts that I've had, tears that I've cried. It all becomes too much you know. Memories that I recall, the life that I've led...the memories, the memories that threaten to swallow me whole... The memories that I've tried to drink away, eat away, sleep away, boink away, cut away...They're all still there. And they still haunt me.

Why though?

I suppose it'll always be that way.

Home What You Missed Currently... Miss Maggies Comedy Hour