05/14/2005 - 12:41 a.m.

Just when you think everything is ok, you get slammed on your ass quicker than anything.

What I'm talking about here folks is depression. Here I was, almost happy as a clam and then all of a sudden...

I start thinking about "bumping myself off". So much so that I begged to get a doctor's appointment changed on Thursday, which I did, but as of right now it doesn't seem to be helping. He tweaked my meds and took me off one of them but it doesn't seem to have had any effect yet. Of course after only one day I shouldn't expect it to yet.

But...

It's only getting worse. I'm putting on my 'it'll pass' voice and face, but I'm not so sure...

I hope, think and pray it'll pass.

I don't know what's caused it though. D thinks I need a different mood stablizer and I tend to agree since this Trileptal shit doesn't seem to be working all that well. I need something that's for sure.

What the Hell am I going to do if this DOESN'T pass though? That's what's worrying me the most. Right now I'm up at this ungodly hour because I can't sleep and I didn't take my Ambien because it made my stomach hurt. Plus, the sleep that I got on it wasn't good. Granted the nightmares stopped but what good is that if it makes me hurt and I don't sleep WELL?

I just don't know what's going on or how to stop it.

I'll be fine though. I think...

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