09/05/2005 - 10:51 p.m.

I won't deny that I've been down for a few days (ok ok the better part of a month now). However, I didn't know that I'd been crying in my sleep though. And in my attempts to keep it to myself I only ended up dragging David down with me.

I think I have figured out the root though. (actually there is no "think" about it, I know what it is) And though some of my regular readers may feel disgust at what I'm about to say, fuck it. I've never kept anything back before now...

I feel guilty.

Why you ask?

Because I'm actually GLAD I miscarried. This was definitely NOT the right time to be pregnant and quite possibly it never will be. The guilt of being glad about it is what's eating me. When I told David he wouldn't understand, that's what I mean. Granted, he knows that it wasn't the right time and mentions it a lot. But I fear that if I told him that, secretly, even though I know how he feels about the situation that he'd hate me for feeling the way that I do because despite not being the right time, this was HIS child too.

The thought of 'Wait, I shouldn't be GLAD about this' is what brings me to tears. For the first two days after it happened, yes I was grieving for the child that was inside me that had died. Now the tears are because of the guilt of being relieved that it happened. I've talked to mothers who have lost babies and my heart goes out to them. I guess I'm wrapped up in the whole "I'm SUPPOSED to feel THIS way, NOT the way I actually feel"

As for the rest, he's right, my peace of mind has been somewhat destroyed as well due to the break in. The one place that I felt was my safe haven (my apartment) isn't like that anymore. It's gotten easier though, I'm not jumping at every sound and stalking though the house every 5 minutes flinging open closets and stabbing into them with a sword. But I'm still nervous nonetheless. It does get easier though.

As for the birth control thing, if I seem a bit apprehensive it's because I am. Everything that I've held to be true for the last few years has turned out to be the exact opposite of what I had been led to believe. It's a bit daunting to say the least. But it's ok. Perhaps permanent sterilization is not the correct route to go for me right now though.(I'd been thinking about either tubal ligation or endometrial alblation) I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow and I'm going to be talking to him about the Pill. I have my apprehensions about it (high blood pressure, cancer risks, weight gain) which is what has prevented me from having ever gone on it (that and that whole infertility diagnosis).

But as it always does, things will work out in the end.

Now if I could just figure out a cure for that whole guilt thing. *shrug*

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