10/31/2005 - 4:15 p.m.

Ok, I'm back.

As I was saying... With everything that's gone on in the past month or so since I got fired the more 'wonky' I'd start feeling. But my focus was to 'hide the wonkiness' I NEEDED to hide the wonkiness to pretend like everything was fine.

I put on a facade of being cheerful, optimistic, glass is half full kind of person. But that was the exact opposite of how I am really feeling. It was like I could give all of those things to another person but when it came to giving them to myself I couldn't no matter how hard I tried to convice myself.

And deeper she goes...

"The tiniest things get blown up out of proportion"

Yes they do. The sky is too blue, the grass is too green, the sun is too warm therefore everything is wrong.

I'm trying to get to the bottom of this. I need to take care of myself first and foremost before I can concentrate on anything else. If I myself am not with it, how the hell can I be of ANY use to someone else? That thought there turns into how the hell WAS I any use to someone else? I would listen, empathize, offer advice...and yet...I couldn't take my own advice...

Why?

Why am I so stubborn? Or did I once again take on that mentality of "I am SuperWoman, I can take care of myself, I don't need help, I can do it on my own"

It's that same mentality though that pushed me over back in 2003 right before I moved to Nolensville. I remember clearly that night when I realized something was going to have to give.

I had gone over to Amanda's to have dinner and I had confided to her everything that was going on. She was the first person besides Jason that I HAD confided in. It was that night as she and I were talking that I realized that I COULDN'T do it on my own and I needed help.

"I need help"

It's three simple words...three very tiny simple words...Only three syllables too...

Why are those the hardest words to say sometimes though?

David doesn't seem to have a problem saying them, as a matter of fact, very few people that I know(and remember I know very few) have a problem saying them, and yet...

I can't.

Is it because I'm afraid?

(Yes)

Is it because for ME to say those words makes me feel like I'm weak like admitting that I'm not as strong as I try to make myself out to be?

(Yes)

Where did the woman I used to know go to? The one that stood up for herself, the one who said what was on her mind without fear, the one who had it together for the most part. Where did she go?

Or was she just an illusion? Did she actually exist? Or was she just a figment of my imagination?

I need help.

There I said it.

I don't know what's going to happen, but just know that I'll be ok...one way or another. *smiles*

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