02/17/2011 - 4:41 a.m.

Yeah yeah once again I need to get around to updating this thing more often. You'd think that after 8 and some odd years I'd keep up.

I guess you could say it's because the drama that was my life (as I took a trip down memory lane there) has left. Actually, it left a long time ago.

While this diary served as a form of catharsis for me, I've found that I enjoy writing for just the sheer pleasure even more now though and not just because I'm hiding something inside that I need to get out.

Granted, there are still things that from time to time need to come out, I've found that talking to my significant other is a better therapy than just merely writing it out. It's great to get that additional imput from someone who isn't judging you, belittling you for feeling the way that you do and just all around making you feel entirely inadequate. I notice that seemed to be the common theme in the majority if not all of the entries in here from the last 8 years. (well technically 5 since the last three or so I've made less than 20 entries).

I actually thought about deleting the diary completely, but realized that it's a part of me. It's the past yes, but it's my past. Quite honestly, I read through the older entries and from 2002-2006 I actually have very vague memory of the events that occurred. I've found the same to be true with my handwritten journals from the same time period.

I could sit here all day and question why that is. But I think the simplest answer is that during that time frame I was fairly well out of it due to the whole Bipolar misdiagnosis. I allowed those around me to feed into that instead of listening to my instincts which told me that it was wrong (the diagnosis) and therefore lost those years of my life as a result.

But these pages prove that they existed. For good or for bad, it's simply what happened. Just one minor chapter in my life thus far in the grand scheme of things.

Days are brighter as of the last few years and I haven't even remotely seen that dark abyss that I spent so many years either putting myself in or being forced into. Yeah, I'm still working on that divorce from Loser thing (just gotta get the money to file the papers now, papers are completed and ready to sign). I have a wonderful boyfriend and we're the proud parents of the most amazing little boy who will be a year old in less than two weeks, a little boy that I never thought I'd be able to have. They are both my miracles, and if the journey that I had to go through to get to this point is what I had to do, then it was worth it.

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