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Over the Edge...Again...
12/15/2003 - 1:11 a.m.
Well readers, its my 1st anniversary...of being on Diaryland. My first entry was on December 15th 2002...
And even thought I've tried to avoid it, for the past two weeks I've been thinking about the past year, and the fact that I'll be spending this Yule...alone.My roomie is going to Japan for 2 weeks so she won't be here, I won't be able to go see my family since I have to work anyway...but its more than just that though.
I feel like I'm watching the same film over and over in my head and the scenes never change. I see my life from last September to this past April, the scenes keep replaying and haunt my thoughts, and my sleep. Everytime I close my eyes I see this 'movie' watching and having lived it, without actually comprehending what was going on. Someone, sleeps out in her car because its warmer in the car than it is in her house. The husband and herself drinking cold tomato soup out of the can because its the only thing left in the house because they can't afford to buy groceries...
Being blamed for said situation, even though SHE isn't the one who pretty much staged a disappearance and didn't tell anyone where she was for EIGHT FUCKING DAYS.
Living from February to April with no electricity during the coldest time of the year.
The scars, the pain, the feelings of worthlessness, knowing you can't fix it or break the chains.The feel of teeth as they sink into your flesh. Watching the blood well up underneath the skin. The subsequent infection. The sting of nails as they dig into your skin,ripping out the outer layers. The ringing you hear in your head when someone reaches out and grabs your hair and pulls for all they're worth.The name calling, and the belief...that you ARE truly the worthless cunt you're told that you are. Wishing you were dead because death would be a welcome escape from the hell you're living. Knowing that this is NOT the life you had planned for yourself.
Its all there...swirling in my head again...