02/19/2004 - 2:05 a.m.

This is where it all began. Well the last round anyway. The memories have started flooding back again. As I sit on the deck smoking a cigarette, when I'm at work, as I'm driving in the car. In my bed...

For months I've pushed it to the back of my mind, but in a way I've been dreading the coming months. I have my journal entries from that time frame still. Sometimes, I guess as some morbid form of punishment, I go back and reread them. In some way I feel like I have to atone for the "sins" that I committed. But did I really commit any?

I would love to say no. But I can't. I haven't been perfect. Far from it. I made my mistakes, I broke some promises. But I have paid for those mistakes. And I've learned from them. I wish there were one solid point where I could say "here. This is where it all began, without a doubt." But I can't do that. There are too many things, too many places to consider. But for sake of time lines and my current mood. I'll start at this one.

February 2003~Once again here we are...in the dark. Not a figurative dark however. A dark as in, "oh shit, they turned off our electricity again".

It terrifies me to think that I ever lived like that and terrifies me even more to ever THINK about living like that again. My own inner demons are tempting me right now. I want to do something to erase the thought of that time in February...the beginning of the end from my mind. I have about a quarter of a bottle of southern comfort in my freezer right now...I finished off about half the bottle Monday night in an attempt to kill the memories. All I got was...a little sensory dulling. And the urge for more. I even wondered if it would be okay to have just one little drink before work..something to take the edge off so I can deal with the stupid morons who are too stupid to have cellphones. I haven't though. I need my job too much to risk it by doing something that incredibly stupid.

Last February was quite cold. Not chilly. Bitterly cold. But it was nothing compared to the bitterness I felt in my heart though. Bitterness and Resentment. My old friends. I think that's partially why I even made it through that time...It was something that kept reminding me that I was alive.

Layers of clothing...sleeping til 2...coffee all night...it's all there still...in my head you see. I don't forget. I CAN'T. It's the same pain that tore me apart then as it does now. Part of me is still that same woman who is convinced she can fix it all, after all she's been fixing his messes for years. But this time, it's been too much. She can't fix this one.

The pain of being cold is too much. It's beginning to wear her down. Her/My thoughts turn to death. It would be so easy you know...just take the knife you've hidden between the mattresses "just in case he gets too violent"...one little flick down your arms and it could all be over. He doesn't take you seriously when you mention this to him. He just gets angry. He's always angry though. And it's always your fault. I can solve the anger problem the same way you know. It's not like anyone would care, or notice if you were gone anyway, right? You lie in bed and sigh. You're too chicken tonight...maybe tomorrow though. Warmth...that's all you care about right now. And even though the touch of the man next to you makes you cringe right now, at least you have each other's body heat to keep you warm.

You fall into a fitful sleep, hoping that when you wake up,some fairy godmother will have made everthing better.

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