05/02/2004 - 11:15 p.m.

By torturing myself I mean about my previous entries and reading them. Especially my rant yesterday about infertility. I still lurk on the AOL message boards for Trying to Conceive as well as the Grads board and the Infertility Chat boards. I see everyone moving on. And of course Mother's Day is next Sunday. I realize that my baby had I not miscarried would have been a year and a month old then. Yes, I still think about this alot. It shouldn't bother me now but it does. *sighs* therefore, I guess continuing to read about the former friends I had who have now had their own children is a punishment on a different level.

Other punishments include just re-reading my old entries and remembering where I was and what state of mind I was in when I wrote them. When I do this I find myself magically transported back to the times that I'm writing about. I continue reliving all of the memories, all of the emotions, all of the pain contained therein.

Another form of punishment is : After 5 years, is it so wrong of me to want to hear my best friend's voice? I've tried dropping hints, I've even been bold. And everytime it seems, I get shot down...actually it feels more like a slap to the face. I'm tired of being slapped in the face. Then I start wondering if I'm just such a terrible person that NO ONE wants to talk to me. I don't think that's true, but that's what I feel like. I start beating myself up later on for being so bold and decide that I should just keep my goddamn mouth shut. At least if I do that I don't get hurt.

That's my plan from now on. Just keeping my damn mouth shut.

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