10/02/2004 - 9:17 p.m.

I know that I have asked myself this question many, many times over the years. Almost too many times when you get down to it, and quite honestly I have never found a suitable answer. I even remember sitting in my dad's office when I was about 16 asking myself that question. I even took a pen and wrote it out on my hand. I remember sitting there staring at it, saying the question aloud...and not being able to come up with an answer. I remember sitting there in tears, realizing that this was something that I would most likely NEVER find out.

Over the years I've had many different titles: lover, wife, friend , student, co-worker, patient, *boink*buddy(my least favorite one because I find it to be rather hurtful to be referred to as such*especially in front of people you don't know!* but the truth hurts and what can you do?)slut...the list goes on...

These things seem to be only short lived titles however, all of which only describe me for a short period of time. However, that still doesn't answer the question of who I am though.

I guess a more accurate question would be "What Am I?" as opposed to "Who Am I?" I mean, I know WHO I am...I'm Shiloh.

What am I to you? Or to you? And yes you...over there hiding in the corner! What do I appear to be to the unsupecting stranger?

Cold, arrogant perhaps? Condescending, Bitter...a chain smoking freak who is obsessed with making her ex husband pay for what feels like ruining her life?

Do you see my potential? Do you see the kind hearted, sensitive caring person underneath my hard exterior? Do you see someone who would do anything for anyone if it helped them? Do you see someone who is hurt easily? Quick to anger? Do you see the rebellious spirit lurking underneath? Do you see the sensual being hiding just beneath the surface, that she doesn't allow to show for fear that it is a weakness? Do you see the the woman who questions everything for she is finally learning to live? Do you see her wishes, her hopes, her dreams? Do you even know what they are? Do you even care? Do you see the woman who perpetually seems destined to fail, continually pick herself back up and fight back? Do you see the sad little girl, who by her own choice, in order to preserve what little sanity she had left, estrange herself from her family? Do you sense her loneliness? Her solitude? Do you feel for her? Do you see the woman who gave her heart to someone only to have it thrown back in her face later on? Do you see the woman who is afraid to show love because she has never truly FELT loved? Do you see her struggles, her daily fights with her inner demons that seem to haunt her at her every step? Did you see her anguish at not being the 'perfect' wife? Did you see her try to be perfect in every way? Did you see her bent over her toilet, toothbrush in hand to lose weight to achieve the unrealistic goal of perfection? Is she herself perfection in all her embodiment? Do you see the woman who in her darkest hour, who never reached out for help, finally reach out? Did you know she felt weak when she did that? Did you see the wide eyed girl who walked into the hospital and say "I want to die"? Do you still see her lurking beneath the surface, waiting for the opportunity to arise again? Do you see the jokester? The slow, sly grin that slides across her face when she knows she has you. The sexy little wink when you catch on that she's flirting with you... Do you see her at all? Do you see the woman who would have made a great mom, had nature not intervened? Do you know that she thinks about the child she lost every year? Do you sense her emptiness come every September? Do you see her regrets? Her misgivings? Do you care? Do you hear the aloofness in her voice when you say something to her that she may not necessarily want...or need to hear? Do you see the sparkle in her eyes when you make her laugh? Do you see the crinkle in her nose when you embarrass her but she's not angry about it? Do you feel her passion when she's worked up?Do you...???

Or do you see her as I do?

A fat, pathetic, useless piece of crap who couldn't even keep her marriage together? Can't quite seem to get her life together...and feels as though she'd be better off just dropping off the face of the planet because if she can't stand herself,and what she allowed herself to become, who else would want to be around her, or want her...or need her for that matter?? Do you see her as I see her?

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