10/03/2004 - 9:49 p.m.

Just bear with me for a while folks, as I HAVE to get this out...

Dear J~

Consider this the last letter I'll ever write to you. The only reason I'm even writing it is because I have to get some closure on this whole mess. And yes, at this point, that's what I consider it to be. A mess.

You see, this wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to meet you 5 and a half years ago, I wasn't supposed to strike up a friendship with you, I was never supposed to meet you.

You weren't supposed to become my closest friend and confidante. You weren't supposed to become my ally and my fiercest protector. You weren't supposed to be there! WHY WERE YOU THERE???!!!!

You weren't supposed to tell me things would get better, you weren't supposed to try and help me see the good in the situation. You weren't supposed to believe in me.

You weren't supposed to worry about me, you weren't supposed to give a damn if I lived or died. YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO CARE!

I wasn't supposed to let you into my life, I wasn't supposed to tell you my secrets, I wasn't supposed to open myself up to you. I wasn't supposed to let you see me stumble,trip and fall. I wasn't supposed to care if you cared. I wasn't supposed to let you care. I wasn't supposed to let you in.

I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you.

I wasn't supposed to believe you when you told me you loved me.

But I did.

I wasn't supposed to give you my heart. I wasn't supposed to break yours. You weren't supposed to break mine either.

But I did, and you did. We did.

I wasn't supposed to feel like I was cheating on YOU instead of my husband that night back a long time ago. I wasn't supposed to give up working my marriage out. I wasn't supposed to think that there was truly something special there between us. I wasn't supposed to think.

But I did.

I wasn't supposed to try and get 'stable' and 'sober'. I wasn't supposed to want you to be proud of me. I wasn't supposed to live!

But I did.

I wasn't supposed to let you see my vulnerable side. I wasn't supposed to let you use it against me.

But I did and you did.

I wasn't supposed to let you down.

But I did.

Again and again and again. Too many times to count.

I fell one too many times.

I said one thing too many.

Buy you weren't supposed to let me fall.

But you did.

I wasn't supposed to think about you. You weren't supposed to be the one I wanted. You weren't supposed to be the one I dreamed of night after night. You weren't supposed to be the one I wasn't supposed to let go of.

But you were, and I did.

I wasn't supposed to imagine a future with you.

But I did.

I wasn't supposed to love you.

But I did.

I wasn't supposed to care.

But I did.

And I do.

But did you?

Did you forget along the way that behind the screen was a living breathing person? Did you forget that this was someone's wife? Someone's LIFE you were in? Did you forget who chucked it all away in hopes that something would be better? Because YOU told me there was something better?

Well...you did...and I did...

I wasn't supposed to break the illusion.

But I did...

I pushed to hard. I wasn't supposed to do that.

But I did.

I was supposed to only remain a fantasy, a dream, something not quite real...

But I couldn't.

I can't.

I won't.

I wasn't supposed to cry over you.

But...

I do...

...and I did...

You weren't supposed to exist...

And I guess now...

you don't.

*sigh*

~S

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