10/18/2004 - 2:45 p.m.

After a lengthy telephone conversation this morning at some ungodly hour, I have concluded that I am...a contradiction.

I hate it when I sit there and think about the things I've said, and compare them to my actions.

I was talking to C this morning, and as we were talking my mind was in 2 places...

One side of it was trying to keep up with the conversation but not really paying attention because side b was replaying a therapy session in my head. The two are interrelated and I'll explain WHY as I go on.

You see, a few weeks ago C asked me a question that my ex-therapist had asked me during one of our sessions. At the time, I couldn't give HER an answer so I laughed and told her 'of course!', but when C asked the SAME question, I found that I couldn't give HIM an answer either!

But last night...I could...

The question:Do I feel comfortable expressing my sexuality?

Answer: No.

Why though? I guess it goes back to several reasons. One being that I'm incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin, you know...that whole being fat thing... and the other, because I always felt that my needs and desires were unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Pretty much every sexual relationship I have been in, I've felt incredibly used.

Hence the contradiction...

C made the comment that after I had said my piece about being destined for a series of one night stands etc, that based upon my comments that I didn't want anything more.

That's not true though.

I told him that that wasn't what I wanted but that it merely the best I could get.

However, I am better than that.

This leads me to a decision that needs to be made...

I'm supposedly going to meet a guy next week...

I am better than this...

I'm not going.

I'm better than that.

I deserve better for MYSELF than that...

End of story

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