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Try Not To Think What Might Have Been
11/11/2004 - 9:31 p.m.
Sure I think about you now and then
But it's been a long, long time
Well I've got a good life now, I moved on
So when you cross my mind
I try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then and
We have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And theres no way to know
What might have been
We can sit and talk about this all night long
And wonder why we didn't last
Yes, they might be the best days we will ever know
But we'll have to leave them in the past
So try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
What might have been
Same old look in your eyes,
It's a beautiful night
I'm so tempted to stay
But too much time has gone by
We should just say goodbye
And turn and walk away
Try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then and we have taken diffeerent roads
We can't go back again
Tthere's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
What might have been
No we'll never know
What might have been.
~Little Texas~What Might Have Been
Some of you may remember this entry from last year :Yulemas Wishes.
In it, I stated that I had a secret wish and that it was between me, myself, and I and I never clarified what it was, but only mentioned 2 days later that I didn't get it.
I don't know what made me start thinking of that particular entry today though. I think it was triggered by my last entry about telling C to not worry about my happiness.
At this time last year, the only thing that would have made me the happiest woman on earth was for J to know how I felt and have those feelings returned. But we'd already been through so much due to a LOT of stupidity and one REALLY BAD DECISION on my part, that I felt that it was an impossibility. I tried for months to say what I felt and just couldn't do it. Little did I know, that in spite of all my stupidity, he DID feel the same. Then one night in February, he told me he loved me too, before I even told him how I felt. I guess I was that transparent. No matter though, but when he said those words to me...despite being hopped up on demerol...I cried tears of happiness for the first time in a long time.
He had forgiven me for the past although I don't know why because I have yet to really forgive myself for it because he was not the only one that was effected by my REALLY BAD DECISION.
But what about now my love? Would you have forgiven me for my misguided judgement in recent months if you knew? Did I make decisions that could be forever known as 'unforgivable'? Would you still love me?
I'm trying to let go of you, you know. Why can't I? Why do I second guess every move I make these days because I wonder how you would react? Why do I question my own motives and judgements? Am I hoping to get back at you somehow? Or am I just hoping to get you back?
I've tried to be strong...for you...everything that I've done in the past year has been...for...you!!! I knew you were worried about me, I became worried about me. I sought help to get to the bottom of my mental issues. You were concerned about my drinking. But you weren't the only one, I wanted to get sober...not only for you but for me, because it wasn't fair for you to have to deal with my drunkeness. I hurt a lot of people during those years, and I know that you were one of them. You gave me strength, and courage and I thank you.
But what now my love? You've refused to speak to me these past 5 months. I don't know if you are even on this plane of existence...I'm sure you are...but *sigh* I'M SORRY OK!!!???!! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
Am I supposed to just forget you existed? Am I supposed to forget the heartache of when I knew I loved you and hurt you so badly? Am I supposed to just FORGET EVERYTHING? Well I'm SORRY BUT I CAN'T.
On August 30th 2003, you told me that even though you were hurt, I still meant the world to you. If I ever DID mean anything to you or still mean anything to you, prove it...
Truth be told...this year's Yulemas Wish isn't too different from last years...All I want for Xmas...is you...
Until then...I remain,
Your Buttercup
"Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while. "