12/06/2006 - 3:01 p.m.

A Whole Lot of General Mish-Mash

My journals are for shit at the moment. I can't seem to just sit down and write. I have a lot of crap on my mind on various different topics. But this is one that I want to touch on as it's on my mind a bit as of late.

Feeling.

I went through a period where I didn't want to feel anything for anyone or anything for that matter and I took steps to make that happen. Or I didn't want to feel what I was feeling and I took steps to avoid that as well. Such as the whole cutting thing.

But after a while, I came to realize that perhaps it would be better to just feel the things that were in my mind as opposed to anesthetizing then. But I still have to look at the damage it caused. I have an arm and ankle as well as a breast criss crossed with scars that show just how much I didn't want to. They don't fade it seems. As a matter of fact, I see them now more clearly than I did originally and quite honestly, I don't know WHY I did it. I know that I was drunk some of the time...but others...

I know that I OD'd back in August because the pain of NOT doing anything (other than drinking) to kill whatever pain and desperation I was feeling wasn't effective.

I know that some of those same old feelings are starting to resurface.

I know that in recent months that I seem to be shutting down as far as feeling is concerned and I WANT to feel...something...ANYTHING.

But not this.

Problem is though, I can't exactly describe what "this" is. It's a mixture of hopelessness, sadness and anger(as if you couldn't see that by previous entries). Some directed at specific persons...some just in general. But it's there.

I believe someone told me that I see things in terms of black and white and that I don't accept the 'gray' areas anymore because I want clear cut easy answers to everything. Perhaps so, but I think I've earned the right to see things that way. I have lived most of my life in the 'shade of gray' area and nothing ever worked out.

I became a traitor to my own personal beliefs this year. Take Wicca for one example. I chose to turn my back on that for someone else. Perhaps I was going to anyway, but in retrospect, it wasn't really MY choice. Someone couldn't accept me for me so I changed to fit their ideal.

I change myself to fit what others think I should be instead of being myself. Be it people in my life, society in general...society in general says I should be 5'10 and weigh some astronomically small number and have blonde hair and be well...perfect.

I'm not.

I am 5'6", fake red hair, big hips, big boobs and weigh 220. I have tried to be society's ideal. I have had the blonde hair. I have dieted. I have gone to extremes. The last time I was in the hospital in NY I was there partially because I had fallen to that old trap of eating and throwing up constantly and exercising like no tomorrow. I have done it off and on for years. This is also why my metabolism is so fucked up, why my teeth are fucked up now and why I have such a down look upon myself.

I am a traitor to my sex. Women aren't supposed to be aggressive. They are supposed to quiet, demure and dainty.

I am not. I know what I want. I speak out, I bow before NO man and I can change my own tires. I can also kick your ass if I have to. And I have in the past.

I was a traitor to myself in terms of sex. I swore back in 2005 that I would not sleep with another man unless I was in love with them. I kept that promise until this year. I used sex to get what I needed or wanted at the time. I never accepted money for sex, don't get me wrong, but the way that I look at it now, my actions were just barely a step above prostitution. I could sit here and say 'oh it was the alcohol' and I wouldn't necessarily be lying but it was more than that. And I only have myself to blame for that. All of that came to an end when I met Glynn though but now...

I don't exactly know how to explain anything. I'm not even sure if this entry makes sense really.

I've sat here for days now and on the tip of my tongue I keep saying

"I want..."

But I can't get the rest out. Am I afraid of actually WANTING something? Do I feel that I'm unworthy of wanting anything?

I suppose you want the truth. And since I've not lied yet, I'm not going to start now. The answer is yes. Yes I do feel I'm unworthy and yes I am afraid of saying what I want. But I don't know why though.

I guess I'll figure it out eventually.

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