09/09/2005 - 1:02 p.m.

I'll start this entry by directing everyone to my Disclaimer .

Read it, know it, and moving right along...

No, I'm not even CLOSE to being finished here, I have a few things I need to get off my chest and by God, I'm going to say it.

Continuing right along in the same vein of the previous entry which I wrote right before I came to work (oh yeah btw, thanks for telling me that right before I was walking out the door, great way to start my day, thanks love ya mean it)

You change your mind about the status of our relationship more often than I change my underwear and I change those daily. I want to be only friends, no I don't I want more, no wait I only want to be friends....and so on and so forth. You claim that you don't want to have your cake and eat it to, yet that is exactly what you're trying to do! You want me but ONLY when it's convienient. If I'm wrong feel free to stop me here at any point. But I don't think I am really.

I've always held steadfast in my beliefs that honesty is the best policy, and yet, you can't or won't whichever the case may be, show me that same courtesy. Which leads me to the question that has been nagging at me since July...

Actually, in this case, I think the better word to use here would be WHO are you hiding?

Allow me to elaborate here:

Starting in July I started noticing what I'll call 'little things'

Promises made and 'forgotten' or just flat out broken

Feelings and sentiments that I felt from you that seemed contrieved or fake to me

I suspected you know. And you know I did. But I said nothing.

I overlook, because I thought to myself that you wouldn't be like that.

Yet still in the back of my mind, I suspected.

August rolls around.

Get out your scorecards kids because this is where it gets interesting.

August could have been a good month, yet, it turned out to be nothing more than a nightmare that coulnd't be woken from.

The break in...

Believe it or not, a few people thought that you had something to do with it. Even me. It makes sense when you think about it. Especially considering that you accused me of having made it up. Then became convinced that the robber could have been after you and not me. That's kinda weird in my book considering that you hadn't lived with me since June 9th and this was in AUGUST.

I sat there and listened to you accuse me of making things up to get attention. I sat back and LET you make those accusations only speaking to state that you were wrong, and let it go. AT THE ADVICE OF MY MOTHER...I let it go.

I sat there and let you cast nothing but thinly veiled insults at me for the rest of the conversation.

I'm independant, too independant, I dress horribly, my hair isn't what you like etc etc etc AND I TOOK IT.

You loved me like a sister and nothing more.

It worked out in theory. You apologized. I accepted. Partially.

A few weeks pass. Things are ok.

Then...

The bombshell.

I'm pregnant.

You had the audacity to ask me if it was someone elses, knowing full well that I haven't been with anyone or wanted to be with anyone but YOU because guess what I LOVED YOU and cheating on someone I love isn't something that I'd do.

You were happy about it though, so you said. So I became happy about it too and toward the end I really WAS happy and excited although still petrified about the whole situation.

But it turns out you were lying. For what purpose though?

And then, the accusations start again.

You accuse me of cheating on you. Keep in mind, the night before the accusations, I recieved an IM from someone that originally claimed to be you only to be 'told' by that same person that it wasn't and that YOU were the one cheating on ME with two chicks from your hometown.

Funny how that works isn't it? I get told YOU'RE cheating on ME and then less than 24 hours later, all of a sudden..I'M supposedly cheating on YOU and yet, when I mention that the ones doing the accusing are usually the ones DOING, I get called psycho!

I'll say this right now...

I don't THINK so, you have gone out of your way to try and 'prove' my infidelity only to find that there's nothing to find because I have been 100% faithful.

Get out your scorecards at this point...How have you tried to prove it?

Let's start with the accusations to begin with.

These actually started back in April with that phone call from Chris, you asked what was going on with me and him. I'll tell you what was going on. Nothing because I hadn't even TALKED to him since November of the following year! But evidently that wasn't good enough and you couldn't let it go.

But back to my point. That didn't work because I wouldn't admit to something that wasn't true, so you started digging, looking for ANYTHING to try and prove I've been cheating.

So you resorted to messing with my cellphone. You'd call random numbers in there and star 67 them to see who they are.

My work
Dr Bressman
A Random wrong number
Any number that YOU couldn't identify

Want to listen my voicemail messages next? Be my guest, I'm used to it, my ex husband used to do it all the time! Here's the password 9498 just call my number and you'll have access to all my voicemail messages just press the star key when the greeting starts.

Still didn't find anything though did you? No because it's hard to find proof of something that doesn't exist.

But let's back up a bit.

The same night that you flipped out so to speak I sat idly by and once AGAIN allowed you to fucking INSULT me in various manners. And I took it.

But you see, you're NICE about your insults, you call it 'picking at' or 'joking' or 'telling it like it is' depending on where the situation will get you.

"Gee, you're awfully pretty, must be because I have my glasses off"

I call it like I see it too babe, and a spade is a spade. I have allowed you to insult my intelligence, my person and my life. AND I SAID NOTHING!!

Why though is my question. Why would I put up with something like that?

I'll tell you why, because I love you and decided to try and take you at your word that you were joking or just picking at me.

But right now if you ask me, your word is for shit. Because you've told me MANY words and it would appear that there were nothing but LIES. But lies that I fell for nonetheless because evidently love is blind and so am I.

Trust me I can go on...

As of this morning things were fine...until...

You read my diary.

Scorecards out again folks:

In this entry: A List, you read what you perceived to be a negative remark under the titlement of "Yesterday".

There was no insult or negativity associated with my comments for that heading. I even edited it for claiification after you mentioned it.

However, I have noticed in MY perception that in the past my diary here has been somewhat of a sore spot for you to some degree.

Why is that?

Once again, IF I AM WRONG feel free to stop me now.

And yet I could STILL go on.

Truth of the matter is, you've said and done some things that have hurt me beyond what you'll ever know. And because of my love for you, I have forgiven you. Should I have? Only time will tell on that one.

If the only thing you want to pursue is friendship with me at this point, or permanently as you stated, I won't pretend that I'm not hurt. I feel like you've done nothing but string me along and use me for the longest time now. But I want your friendship too though. The trust, the love and my heart...they're worthless anyway babe, always have been evidently. Keep them as they're of no use to me since I always seem to give them to the wrong person.

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